I actually have something good to say about George W Bush. And that is that he’s giving me $600 some time this spring. What do you do when your approval ratings are abysmal? You bribe the entire country!

Let’s look at the run down of Dubya’s 8 years as president of the United States of America

Pros:
$600 stimulus package check
Bad Speeches

Cons:
Recession
War
Horrible Foreign Policy Resulting In Worldwide Anti-American Sentiment
Bad Speeches

I guess it all evens out.

John Rambo vs. Burma

March 8, 2008

I watched Rambo tonight, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t everything it should have been. If there were any sequel to the first movie this should have been the only one. Downside? There ain’t no Colonel Trautman to lend a hand. He died of pancreatic cancer in 2003. 😦

IMDB claims this movie averages 2.59 killings per minute, and I believe it. That is how it should be, bitches. Of course, half of those butchered are innocents, but what can you do? War is hell.

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Despite John Rambo now looking like he belongs more in a WWF ring than the jungle (what with the steroids and face lift), the fact remains that he still knows how to kick ass. This is easily the bloodiest fucking Rambo movie ever made. There are throats torn out with bare hands, limbs severed, heads blown apart, intestines sliced from of the gut. You name it. In fact, it was probably the goriest action movie I’ve seen in a long time. Every fight scene looked like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, except it was a lot more graphic (and seemingly realistic) with very little CGI use. Right on, John Rambo. Right on. Organic violence is the best violence.

For those curious, Rambo is now hanging out in Thailand on his lonesome, capturing snakes and selling them for snake shows or something. That is, until a group of silly human rights missionaries show up and demand he boat them down the river to war-torn Burma to help the natives by reading them the bible and cleaning their teeth. The only solution to war is Jesus, baby! How wrong they were.

After their entrance into Burma, things go wrong and the mindfucking commences. That’s right, this movie is about a group of naive Christians being either tortured, torn to bits, or psychologically scarred by the Burmese military. Wholesome family entertainment. Rambo some how gets caught up in their attempted rescue and a blood bath ensues.

As far as I’m concerned, Rambo is the one and only sequel to First Blood, and that’s that. The rest in the series are great if you like stereotypical Russian and Vietnamese military being shot in a generic 80’s action movie style. Otherwise, they are best forgotten.

I salute you, John Rambo. Colonel Trautman would be proud.

Hulu

January 26, 2008

I just got into the Hulu.com closed beta thanks to the heads up from Sam (you, too, may apply at their website). I post here to extoll its generally cool features. It’s apparently a joint venture between Fox and NBC, so any show of theirs that they’d like to add will be hosted on the site. It definitely isn’t a YouTube for TV, however, because it only offers limited episodes along with some clips — most of the episodes being the latest if the show is still on the air. Then again, there’s also some Who’s The Boss for you to peruse if you get a hankering for some Danza (boy, I know I do).

The presentation itself is nice, you just roll your mouse over the video and it gives you options like “share with a friend”, “embed”, or “full screen”. Watching the video in full screen would be the equivalent to watching a crappy DIVX download of a show, I would guess. Compression is visible, but it’s still decent quality for a streaming video. It all really seems to depend on how much movement there is on screen. For instance, here’s Conan O’Brien with his pope staff from full screen:

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Not horrible considering the subject matter. Mostly it lets me check up on whatever I’ve missed, as no matter how much I love Late Night with O’Brien or Family Guy, I never seem to have the TV on when they air.

One of the other nice things about it is that the only commercial you’ll be submitted to is at the start of the episode (unless you skip ahead too far in the stream). And the site itself kinda has a Google feel to it, pretty clean and easy to get around.

I would give you some Danza or Conan to enjoy personally, but WordPress.com doesn’t allow me to post Hulu videos yet, so you’re out of luck. But beware, reader, as you can avoid Tony Danza for only so long. I suggest you just head on over to Hulu, sign up for the beta and submit to him while you still can.

P.S.
WHILE YOU WATCH DANZA, DANZA IS WATCHING YOU

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Another Shitty Superbowl

January 21, 2008

My prediction, to be specific, was a Patriots and Packers superbowl.

I didn’t think that Favre would get his last Superbowl win, but I thought it would be really neat if he did, if he some how pulled it off. The man could leave with his win and go into the hall of fame, he’d be a worthy NFL hero, the end.

Then the Giants won. The Giants. FUCK!

Led by a Manning QB. There is nothing worse, folks. Peyton himself couldn’t make it, so his incompetent younger brother snuck through the NFC and now he’s going to be in the Super Bowl where he’ll be absolutely destroyed by a professional football team.

This year has been nothing but shit — your average fantasy football player will agree. If someone wasn’t injured, then they were pulled. If they were pulled, they were put back in. If someone was put back in, they were injured again.

It’s insane, and despite my dislike for a “perfect” Patriot team, I’ll actually be happy for them if they win.

They’ll prove that the NFL was nothing but failure this year. A good team won. The rest failed. That trophy will mean a whole lot more this year — not to a Patriot, who will of course win the Superbowl, but to every failed team in the league. You fucked up. You really fucked it all up. Badly.

And yet you’re banking millions.

Changes!

December 27, 2007

This website has been mostly forgotten about by myself… and so tonight, while sipping some tonic, I decided to read over a couple of old posts. Which lead me to a personality test.

Here are the results from 8 months ago. Not that you’ll care. The jist of it was, “depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist”

My god how things have changed and I’m not sure I know why. In a lot of ways, I just don’t care any more. And some how, things seem worse than before.

Here are my results as of present, not that it’s of interest to anyone but myself:

secretive, reclusive, messy, disorganized, introverted, unassertive, rarely worries, dislikes large parties, does not like to fit in, does not need to control others, solitary, ambivalent about chaos, tough, leisurely, does not respect authority, not aggressive, observer, abstract, impractical, dislikes leadership, daydreamer, bizarre, does not make friends easily, not a perfectionist, suspicious, rarely irritated, strong physical instincts, unsympathetic at times, risk taker, submissive, weird, sarcastic, strange

Global Personality Test Results
Stability (70%) high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..
Orderliness (36%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion (30%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
In other words I am a creep. A messy, disgusting, angry creep. And I like it that way, assholes. So get off my nuggets.

Teen pregnancy! Yes, that’s right. Even Britney’s younger sister Jamie Lynn is now pregnant. She’s 16. And according to CNN, teen births are up for the first time in 15 years.

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) — In a troubling reversal, the nation’s teen birth rate rose for the first time in 15 years, surprising government health officials and reviving the bitter debate about abstinence-only sex education.

I called it! Teenage skanks are getting knocked up left and right everywhere, even here in my very own town. That’s nothing entirely new, but when entire groups of friends do it, something isn’t right. It’s like they’re competing. None of them do it on “purpose” of course. Because it’s really hard to remember to take that birth control, especially if it’s on your body in the form of a fucking patch.

It’s sad that these girls are so desperate for approval and that they so desperately want to feel like a “grown up” that they’ll go out of their way to bring helpless new lives into the world. Their own little Cabbage Patch Dolls. All so they can say, “I’m an adult too, mom! Just watch, I’m going to grow something in my uterus! That will show you!”

Like most fads, there’s not much you can do. In this case it’s mostly up to the girls. Men/boys are horny, fact one. Fact two, no man I’ve known wants to wear a condom if he has the safe choice of not using one, and twisted little girls with daddy issues aren’t going to cough up the information that they actually stopped taking their pills or stopped wearing their patch. So there you go.

The only difference about this fad is that it is actually going to affect Earth’s population, which is a scary thought, because Earth should be vomiting us up with chunks of bile as is. 5 babies a second and growing… tick tock, tick tock.

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http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/