I’d like some healthcare so despite having a shitty few months recently I do actually care about the election. Here would be my prediction, thanks to NPR.org. You can make your own there or easily make & save one here.

My results?
Obama: 273, McCain: 265

I’m not so optimistic, but I hope I’m right. Or better yet, I hope Obama blows them out of the water. I haven’t posted much about the idiots this election because everything is pretty straight forward and obvious and I’m basically typing to myself on here anyway.

I honestly thought McCain was an OK guy and then he came out with what is essentially a cheap trick: hey, women want to vote for someone? I’ll get a vagina on my ticket, that should make those stupid broads happy! Never mind that she’s basically an old white man in a housewife’s body, especially when it comes to women’s issues like abortion. It’s a sad state of affairs and if this country honestly thinks that old puppet McCain is worthy of leading the country, or worse, that the confusing and ignorant Alaskan “hockeymom”  deserves to be president should something happen to old Mick, this place is seriously messed up. 8 years, a needless war, and an economy that is falling apart. If that isn’t enough, this country doesn’t know what the fuck and it never will. I can’t claim I’ll be moving away to a foreign country if McCain wins, ’cause if I could up and leave without leaving people behind I would. That’s not the case for now, however, so here’s to Barack Obama and McCain’s weak campaign. Let’s hope people are awake this time.

Heaven

August 5, 2008

I stopped believing in heaven around the time I learned Santa Claus didn’t exist. You know, when I grew up. But damn if this doesn’t sound like heaven itself. And it’s actually up there, where we’ve been looking all along.

Specifically, what we’ve found is an expanse of absolutely fucking nothing far, far away from here.

WASHINGTON — Astronomers have stumbled upon a tremendous hole in the universe. That’s got them scratching their heads about what’s just not there. The cosmic blank spot has no stray stars, no galaxies, no sucking black holes, not even mysterious dark matter. It is 1 billion light years across of nothing. That’s an expanse of nearly 6 billion trillion miles of emptiness, a University of Minnesota team announced Thursday.

Huffingtonpost.com

Security Question!

July 1, 2008

Enter only the letters with monkeys riding tricycles whilst licking the shoes of Japanese businessmen on them. Hey, it makes about as much sense as this:

It’s like a schizophrenic designed Rapidshare’s software security or something. Seriously, cats? I don’t even see any fucking cats, and if there were cats there, why would they be binded to giant letters? As if regular verification isn’t hard enough. Half the time letters are so italicised that they’re just a blur of squiggles.

Screw you, internet.

I actually have something good to say about George W Bush. And that is that he’s giving me $600 some time this spring. What do you do when your approval ratings are abysmal? You bribe the entire country!

Let’s look at the run down of Dubya’s 8 years as president of the United States of America

Pros:
$600 stimulus package check
Bad Speeches

Cons:
Recession
War
Horrible Foreign Policy Resulting In Worldwide Anti-American Sentiment
Bad Speeches

I guess it all evens out.

John Rambo vs. Burma

March 8, 2008

I watched Rambo tonight, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t everything it should have been. If there were any sequel to the first movie this should have been the only one. Downside? There ain’t no Colonel Trautman to lend a hand. He died of pancreatic cancer in 2003. 😦

IMDB claims this movie averages 2.59 killings per minute, and I believe it. That is how it should be, bitches. Of course, half of those butchered are innocents, but what can you do? War is hell.

rambos1.jpg

Despite John Rambo now looking like he belongs more in a WWF ring than the jungle (what with the steroids and face lift), the fact remains that he still knows how to kick ass. This is easily the bloodiest fucking Rambo movie ever made. There are throats torn out with bare hands, limbs severed, heads blown apart, intestines sliced from of the gut. You name it. In fact, it was probably the goriest action movie I’ve seen in a long time. Every fight scene looked like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, except it was a lot more graphic (and seemingly realistic) with very little CGI use. Right on, John Rambo. Right on. Organic violence is the best violence.

For those curious, Rambo is now hanging out in Thailand on his lonesome, capturing snakes and selling them for snake shows or something. That is, until a group of silly human rights missionaries show up and demand he boat them down the river to war-torn Burma to help the natives by reading them the bible and cleaning their teeth. The only solution to war is Jesus, baby! How wrong they were.

After their entrance into Burma, things go wrong and the mindfucking commences. That’s right, this movie is about a group of naive Christians being either tortured, torn to bits, or psychologically scarred by the Burmese military. Wholesome family entertainment. Rambo some how gets caught up in their attempted rescue and a blood bath ensues.

As far as I’m concerned, Rambo is the one and only sequel to First Blood, and that’s that. The rest in the series are great if you like stereotypical Russian and Vietnamese military being shot in a generic 80’s action movie style. Otherwise, they are best forgotten.

I salute you, John Rambo. Colonel Trautman would be proud.

Hulu

January 26, 2008

I just got into the Hulu.com closed beta thanks to the heads up from Sam (you, too, may apply at their website). I post here to extoll its generally cool features. It’s apparently a joint venture between Fox and NBC, so any show of theirs that they’d like to add will be hosted on the site. It definitely isn’t a YouTube for TV, however, because it only offers limited episodes along with some clips — most of the episodes being the latest if the show is still on the air. Then again, there’s also some Who’s The Boss for you to peruse if you get a hankering for some Danza (boy, I know I do).

The presentation itself is nice, you just roll your mouse over the video and it gives you options like “share with a friend”, “embed”, or “full screen”. Watching the video in full screen would be the equivalent to watching a crappy DIVX download of a show, I would guess. Compression is visible, but it’s still decent quality for a streaming video. It all really seems to depend on how much movement there is on screen. For instance, here’s Conan O’Brien with his pope staff from full screen:

conanobrienn.jpg

Not horrible considering the subject matter. Mostly it lets me check up on whatever I’ve missed, as no matter how much I love Late Night with O’Brien or Family Guy, I never seem to have the TV on when they air.

One of the other nice things about it is that the only commercial you’ll be submitted to is at the start of the episode (unless you skip ahead too far in the stream). And the site itself kinda has a Google feel to it, pretty clean and easy to get around.

I would give you some Danza or Conan to enjoy personally, but WordPress.com doesn’t allow me to post Hulu videos yet, so you’re out of luck. But beware, reader, as you can avoid Tony Danza for only so long. I suggest you just head on over to Hulu, sign up for the beta and submit to him while you still can.

P.S.
WHILE YOU WATCH DANZA, DANZA IS WATCHING YOU

26911danza.jpg

Another Shitty Superbowl

January 21, 2008

My prediction, to be specific, was a Patriots and Packers superbowl.

I didn’t think that Favre would get his last Superbowl win, but I thought it would be really neat if he did, if he some how pulled it off. The man could leave with his win and go into the hall of fame, he’d be a worthy NFL hero, the end.

Then the Giants won. The Giants. FUCK!

Led by a Manning QB. There is nothing worse, folks. Peyton himself couldn’t make it, so his incompetent younger brother snuck through the NFC and now he’s going to be in the Super Bowl where he’ll be absolutely destroyed by a professional football team.

This year has been nothing but shit — your average fantasy football player will agree. If someone wasn’t injured, then they were pulled. If they were pulled, they were put back in. If someone was put back in, they were injured again.

It’s insane, and despite my dislike for a “perfect” Patriot team, I’ll actually be happy for them if they win.

They’ll prove that the NFL was nothing but failure this year. A good team won. The rest failed. That trophy will mean a whole lot more this year — not to a Patriot, who will of course win the Superbowl, but to every failed team in the league. You fucked up. You really fucked it all up. Badly.

And yet you’re banking millions.

Teen pregnancy! Yes, that’s right. Even Britney’s younger sister Jamie Lynn is now pregnant. She’s 16. And according to CNN, teen births are up for the first time in 15 years.

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) — In a troubling reversal, the nation’s teen birth rate rose for the first time in 15 years, surprising government health officials and reviving the bitter debate about abstinence-only sex education.

I called it! Teenage skanks are getting knocked up left and right everywhere, even here in my very own town. That’s nothing entirely new, but when entire groups of friends do it, something isn’t right. It’s like they’re competing. None of them do it on “purpose” of course. Because it’s really hard to remember to take that birth control, especially if it’s on your body in the form of a fucking patch.

It’s sad that these girls are so desperate for approval and that they so desperately want to feel like a “grown up” that they’ll go out of their way to bring helpless new lives into the world. Their own little Cabbage Patch Dolls. All so they can say, “I’m an adult too, mom! Just watch, I’m going to grow something in my uterus! That will show you!”

Like most fads, there’s not much you can do. In this case it’s mostly up to the girls. Men/boys are horny, fact one. Fact two, no man I’ve known wants to wear a condom if he has the safe choice of not using one, and twisted little girls with daddy issues aren’t going to cough up the information that they actually stopped taking their pills or stopped wearing their patch. So there you go.

The only difference about this fad is that it is actually going to affect Earth’s population, which is a scary thought, because Earth should be vomiting us up with chunks of bile as is. 5 babies a second and growing… tick tock, tick tock.

22fiveyearolds.jpg

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

One of the more straight forward and literate spam messages I’ve ever received. Bravo, spammer, whoever you may be.

These Angels Are Dicks!

November 18, 2007

Seriously. I think even the Nazis at Auschwitz were a little kinder about throwing people into fiery pits of sorrow. Assholes!

Thanks to the douchebags at GodTube for this one.

Bush Visits Iraq Veterans

November 13, 2007

He’s such a sweet man. He must have unimaginable words of encouragement; such deep, thoughtful, soul chilling words of wisdom.

bushvisits.jpg

Oh. 😦

Business Hours

September 20, 2007

I got a temp job entering data. That’s what the job was supposed to be anyway. What it really entails is entering data from papers into the computer, then filing those papers, then sending those papers (invoices) out as checks, and then filing them again… in a different set of drawers. It seemed easy and entertaining enough my first two weeks.

Eventually you realize every day is the same, add invoice, hit INSERT, type in invoice number, PO number, cost of invoice, any tax information, whether or not its considered a “job” or otherwise (which requires a specific 12 digit number which you must some times research), and continue.

By 9:30 every day I wish I had any other job than what I have. I’d rather suck the shit out of your septic tank then do what I do. I’d rather sit in a prison cell and read books. And that’s sad, because I’ve had some pretty shitty jobs. I don’t know if it’s the anti-depressants or simply the job itself — I’m betting it’s the job — but every day, even after two cups of coffee, I start to get confused, and I feel like I want to fall asleep. Kind of like riding in a car for 4 hours and staring at bullshit scenery. You start to nod. Then you startle and wake up. Then you nod. Rinse and repeat. But do that for nearly 4 hours. The other 4 hours you’re actually doing the repetitive tasks you’re asked to do.

I’m happy I’m working and I’m happy I have a job. It’s why I get up at 6:00 or so and go to it every day. But you know what? It sucks ass. I even wrote something about it on a sticky note while no one was watching whether or not I was being “productive”. I can’t let my guard down. It is this:

Styrofoam bleeding coffee through cracks
Nodding off for millisecond naps that startle
more than rest.
False light that turns
reality into a slow, horrible blur.
Old men shouting obescenties at speaker phones.
Is it lunch yet?
I should have gone to college.

Thank you.

This is what happens…

August 2, 2007

… when you have 1.3 BILLION people in your country. When lightning strikes, it can’t find the ground without passing through someone first.

 Lightning killed almost 150 people last month across China, the highest number since records began in 2000, a state body has said.

According to the China Meteorological Administration (CMA), 141 people died in lightning strikes in July.

China’s top meteorological official blamed global warming for the extreme seasonal weather.

More than 700 people have died in floods in central China, while millions of others have been hit by drought.

There is something that is really wrong about this.

     PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours.

His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.

“He doesn’t make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die,” said Dr. David Dosa in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.
….
Doctors say most of the people who get a visit from the sweet-faced, gray-and-white cat are so ill they probably don’t know he’s there, so patients aren’t aware he’s a harbinger of death. Most families are grateful for the advanced warning, although one wanted Oscar out of the room while a family member died. When Oscar is put outside, he paces and meows his displeasure.

Someone put him away before he kills more! This is terrifying.

Libby escapes the law

July 2, 2007

I love my country. Every day I find something new to celebrate. I’ll celebrate this 4th of July in honor of Scooter himself.

Here’s more proof that so long as you’re in with the right group of scum, you are immune to just about anything. Between Bush, Hilton, and Libby I want to flee to Canada and never look back. Christ.

US President George W Bush has intervened to prevent Lewis Libby, a convicted former vice-presidential aide, from serving a prison term.

President Bush described as “excessive” the 30-month prison sentence Libby was facing for having obstructed an inquiry into the leaking of a CIA agent’s name.

Though no longer required to go to jail, Libby is still due to serve a period of probation and pay a fine.

An appeals court had earlier told Libby he could no longer delay going to jail.

The judge ruled that Libby could not remain free on bail while his lawyer appealed against the sentence.

President Bush said he had until now refrained from intervening in the case, waiting instead for the appeals process to take its course.

“But with the denial of bail being upheld and incarceration imminent, I believe it is now important to react to that decision,” he said

Black Snake Moan

June 23, 2007

I gotta pull over.

Don’t we all wish we had an old-ass, green bean growin’ Samuel L Jackson to fix all our shit so we can live our lives? I think so. Well done…

Paris vs Matt Frei

June 7, 2007

I like Matt Frei’s take on things. If I had the energy or want, perhaps I could write something as articulate and straight forward, expressing my hatred for people like Paris Hilton. (Well, I guess there’s this.)

This is the new American culture, baby. Appearance and nothing more. Hollow as hell. I’ve taken more interesting shits:

In Los Angeles, a mug shot and a short stint behind bars appears to be almost a rite of passage for a celebrity.

It allows those who have everything to empathise in public with those who have nothing.

It is the preparation of a new role and the script is predictable: the contrition, the return journey to honesty, the charity work, the book deal, the vegetarian recipes, the jailhouse fashion line, the cult of self-improvement lapped up by the attendant media, a stint squirming on Oprah’s couch.

Read more.

I’m not helping by posting about the attention whore in my little blog, but I can’t stand all of the interest in her case. Who cares? It’s the same way things have always been. She has money, you don’t. You go to real jail, she doesn’t. Where you would lose your job, she profits. Until she’s raped by an angry lesbian in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison, I am thoroughly unimpressed. Martha Stewart, time to raise the bar! Get back in there and get sodomized! Won’t you carve a path for the Spears, Lohans, and Hilton’s of our society, you little homemaking groundbreaking mother fucker, you?

Exacerbate

May 31, 2007

I like this recent Myspace update from the one and only “Tom”:

“Tom, photo uploads are slow and I’m seeing red x’s!”

😦 sorry, we’ve had a glitch and photo uploads are taking longer to process than normal. after you upload, there’ll be a longer delay, but the images will show up, so please don’t upload twice.. that just exacerbates the problem.

I’ve decided to write my own letter in outrage.

Dear Tom, I can deal with constant downtimes and outages, slow connections and an utterly poor web design and interface on your website. However, please refrain from using words like “exacerbate” in your news postings. Words such as these only anger and confuse the average myspace user, such as myself. Let me give you an example of how your news posting should look:

“Yo. our photo shits fuct up. we’ll get it fixed soon, don’t u bitch and plz don’t double upload those photos of you and your friends looking like sluts cuz it makes it even slower. later – Tom. ”

That’s how your letters should read. We’re not Facebook here, we’re 17 year old girls, self obsessed men with no t-shirts on displaying multiple tattoos, and pedophiles. Please speak in plain to nearly-retarded English.

Love, ourspace

And may he learn his lesson. 😡

Oh, Berlin

May 23, 2007

First, I like how the German police tried to rationalize this guy’s bat shit story:

BERLIN (Reuters) – A naked American tourist raised eyebrows when he went for a walk through a German city and told police he thought this was acceptable behavior in Germany.

“We have been having unusually hot weather here lately but, all the same, we can’t have this,” a spokesman for police in the southern city of Nuremberg said Tuesday. “The man said he thought walking around naked was tolerated in Germany.”

Many Germans enjoy nude sunbathing which is allowed in public parks. The 41-year-old was carrying his clothes in a bag when police stopped him Monday evening after complaints from pedestrians.

The tourist was not under the influence of drugs, said police. They made him get dressed and pay a 200 euro ($269) deposit pending his investigation for indecent behavior.

Very understanding about it all. Because that’s natural. “It’s a little hot out, I think I’ll take off all my clothes and let my balls flop around in the sun.”

Then, later, the police inspect a nine year old girl’s room and deem that yes, indeed, it needs to be cleaned. They return later to evaluate her performance.

BERLIN (Reuters) – A nine-year-old German girl was so upset about having to tidy her room she put up a sign in her window urging passers-by to call police for help.

Pedestrians in the central city of Braunschweig saw the girl crying in the window, holding up a sign up saying “Help! Please call the police!” Next to her sat a small boy. Quickly alerted, officers rushed to the scene to discover the girl had argued with her mother about tidying her room and enlisted her two-year-old brother’s aid to attract attention.

“The room looked like a battlefield,” said a spokesman for local police on Monday. “Officers told the girl to tidy her room. When they came back two hours later to check, it was all cleaned up. And the mother and daughter had made up too.”

Another disaster averted. And we didn’t even need Reagan this time. “Little girl, Clean, up, this, room!”

Finally, there’s a guy arrested for drunk driving a wheelchair. Surprise, he’s German.

BERLIN (Reuters) – A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers.

“He was right in the middle of the road,” said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin Tuesday. “The officers couldn’t quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That’s a life-threatening figure.”

The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was a little over a mile from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village of Ventschow.

Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence.

“It’s not like we can impound his wheelchair,” the spokesman said. “But he is facing some sort of punishment. It’s just not clear yet what exactly that will be.”

It’s always something small, isn’t it? That’s how they get ya. Broken headlight. Failure to use blinker. Wheelchair in the road. And then they see the brillo pad in the back seat. Clearly this man has not seen enough COPS.

Thanks to Mahke I took this test and came out with the following:

depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous

Which sounds a lot to me like the opposite of the Radiohead song “Fitter, Happier“.  And also a lot like me. Fuck.

Botfly Maggots and you

April 23, 2007

I was talking to Ted tonight about parasites in the Amazon (spurred on by some show called “I Shouldn’t Be Alive”), and came across this:

Awesome! If you liked seeing the parasite burrow out of the ant’s skull in the Planet Earth series on Discovery, wait until you see this shit. Horrifically gross and yet highly entertaining. It’s the closest thing us men will ever get to motherhood, next to being Arnold Governator in Junior, anyway. Giving birth to a living maggot. Can’t beat that.

If you’re not interested in giving birth to bot flies, I would suggest staying away from Mexico, Central, and South America. And if that won’t keep you away, there’s always this, this and this. [Disclaimer: Jesus fucking Christ that’s gross. AND COOL!]

Dear Spring-Breakers,

March 11, 2007

A) Fuck off (leave your women here)

B) I stood on my sister’s balcony and watched you frolic on the beach for roughly 20 minutes today with the cool Panama City Beach breeze softly blowing through my hair, and I saw nothing that would call for a “YEAH! WHOO!” and yet I think I heard about 10 of them. I understand verbal expressions of joy, given the circumstances call for one. I can’t say I understand them when they’re done randomly while standing on the beach. Or on the side of the road as cars drive past. So before you fuck off, shut the fuck up and drink your beer.

dance.jpg

I’ll keep some dolla-dolla bills handy in case I get the cute pizza girl

I’m Delicate Like A Flower

February 22, 2007

This video and the comments it’s received on Youtube has me laughing my balls off. I love how some people are so outraged and confused.

Someone should forcibly seize control of the Fox News headquarters and air the What What video over and over again. Millions of heads would explode.

spriteking23
who is this guy and wtf is he trying to do with this video?

KevServo
This has got to be the absolute gayest thing that has ever existed.

lilmaine
this shit is seriosly gay

Pretzels11
OH GOD WHAT THE IN THE BUTT!?

madeofoak
i’m not sure what just happened there. something. definitely not nothing.

The Wheel of Food

February 15, 2007

This is quite possibly the best website I have seen in ages.

Behold the WHEEL OF FOOD!

If I had a car available right now, I’d go and eat at the Azteca Mexican restaurant just because The Wheel said so. It’s important to do what The Wheel says. If you’re going to partake of its magical abilities, it’s best to follow through on its orders, lest The Wheel become angry.

ROCK UP, AMERICA

February 1, 2007

The whole Adult Swim terror scare thing is funny.

I think it’s pretty obvious who screwed up here. Not the Aqua Teen Hunger Force guys or Turner, but us, for being so completely terrified of ourselves, so paranoid that a flashing lamp with a cartoon character on it is feared to be a bomb placed there by bonafied Axis-of-Evil “terrists” . There were officers at the scene comparing the pandemonium to 9/11, which had me snickering bitterly. Are you kidding me?

At a press conference, the Massachusetts attorney general said something about how it had batteries and wires, so it obviously did not have an innocent purpose. It’s a fucking piece of electronics! Does my DVD player have an agenda too? Does it want to snatch away my freedom and kill my family? What IS innocent any more, crazy lady?

It’s like our entire society is afflicted with PTSD or something. It’s okay to laugh once and a while, everybody. I promise it’s not going to kill you.

Are you kidding me?

January 15, 2007

The Chargers have the biggest dick in the NFL and they still can’t get it up. Gates, Tomlinson, Neal…golden tickets to a Super Bowl.

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And yet we get Colts-Patriots again. Thanks, San Diego. You fucking suck!

PS. I’m not even going to go over the CBS interview with President Bush that followed the game. He’s nearly as fraudulent and depressing as the Chargers this season.

Gobble gobble

November 26, 2006

I wrote a poem inspired by this year’s memorable holiday season and have decided to share it. Here it is:

It smells like apple pie and dead leaves
and I want to fuck.
Where are you and that wretched slit of yours?
And who is plugging it now,
who’s got your mouth open and moaning,
that one you can’t keep shut anyhow?
I can still smell you beneath my booze breath
I can still feel your skin on my rough hands…
You’re just gone
along with all that silly shit I used to adore.
And that’s all
I’m truly Thankful for.

Maybe next time I’ll write you all a Haiku about Christmas!

Happy thanksgiving yaaaaay
pilgrim_turkey.gif

Obligatory Post

August 31, 2006

Factotum will be trash. There. Now I can sleep.

I think I lost all interest when I saw Matt Dillon was starring as Chinaski. He’s too pretty to play a role like that. The thing about Bukowski is that the fucker was scarred. He spent his prom night peaking in at the dance floor from the bushes outside, he first had sex at age 24 with a 300 pound woman who broke his bed. He was damaged. Bukowski was who he was because of his physical appearance; he grew up with boils and horrific acne all over his face and back that brought on all sorts of physical and emotional pain… and here you have pretty boy airhead Matt Dillon trying to play him. Doesn’t make any sense. I don’t care if he’s a fan of Bukowski. So is fucking Bono. it doesn’t mean I want to watch Bono play an alcoholic postal worker. I’ll pass. Give me somebody ugly, with a gravelly, pitted, rough voice. Tom Waits?

Strange seeing more Bukowski movies being churned out, though. My guess is they saw the Johnny Depp / Thompson craze wasn’t dying down, so they figured they could cash in with Bukowski too, another obvious underground hero. Next up is supposedly “Women” with Sean Penn. Jesus, doesn’t that make all kinds of sense…