John Rambo vs. Burma

March 8, 2008

I watched Rambo tonight, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t everything it should have been. If there were any sequel to the first movie this should have been the only one. Downside? There ain’t no Colonel Trautman to lend a hand. He died of pancreatic cancer in 2003. 😦

IMDB claims this movie averages 2.59 killings per minute, and I believe it. That is how it should be, bitches. Of course, half of those butchered are innocents, but what can you do? War is hell.

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Despite John Rambo now looking like he belongs more in a WWF ring than the jungle (what with the steroids and face lift), the fact remains that he still knows how to kick ass. This is easily the bloodiest fucking Rambo movie ever made. There are throats torn out with bare hands, limbs severed, heads blown apart, intestines sliced from of the gut. You name it. In fact, it was probably the goriest action movie I’ve seen in a long time. Every fight scene looked like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, except it was a lot more graphic (and seemingly realistic) with very little CGI use. Right on, John Rambo. Right on. Organic violence is the best violence.

For those curious, Rambo is now hanging out in Thailand on his lonesome, capturing snakes and selling them for snake shows or something. That is, until a group of silly human rights missionaries show up and demand he boat them down the river to war-torn Burma to help the natives by reading them the bible and cleaning their teeth. The only solution to war is Jesus, baby! How wrong they were.

After their entrance into Burma, things go wrong and the mindfucking commences. That’s right, this movie is about a group of naive Christians being either tortured, torn to bits, or psychologically scarred by the Burmese military. Wholesome family entertainment. Rambo some how gets caught up in their attempted rescue and a blood bath ensues.

As far as I’m concerned, Rambo is the one and only sequel to First Blood, and that’s that. The rest in the series are great if you like stereotypical Russian and Vietnamese military being shot in a generic 80’s action movie style. Otherwise, they are best forgotten.

I salute you, John Rambo. Colonel Trautman would be proud.