Exacerbate

May 31, 2007

I like this recent Myspace update from the one and only “Tom”:

“Tom, photo uploads are slow and I’m seeing red x’s!”

😦 sorry, we’ve had a glitch and photo uploads are taking longer to process than normal. after you upload, there’ll be a longer delay, but the images will show up, so please don’t upload twice.. that just exacerbates the problem.

I’ve decided to write my own letter in outrage.

Dear Tom, I can deal with constant downtimes and outages, slow connections and an utterly poor web design and interface on your website. However, please refrain from using words like “exacerbate” in your news postings. Words such as these only anger and confuse the average myspace user, such as myself. Let me give you an example of how your news posting should look:

“Yo. our photo shits fuct up. we’ll get it fixed soon, don’t u bitch and plz don’t double upload those photos of you and your friends looking like sluts cuz it makes it even slower. later – Tom. ”

That’s how your letters should read. We’re not Facebook here, we’re 17 year old girls, self obsessed men with no t-shirts on displaying multiple tattoos, and pedophiles. Please speak in plain to nearly-retarded English.

Love, ourspace

And may he learn his lesson. 😡

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Oh, Berlin

May 23, 2007

First, I like how the German police tried to rationalize this guy’s bat shit story:

BERLIN (Reuters) – A naked American tourist raised eyebrows when he went for a walk through a German city and told police he thought this was acceptable behavior in Germany.

“We have been having unusually hot weather here lately but, all the same, we can’t have this,” a spokesman for police in the southern city of Nuremberg said Tuesday. “The man said he thought walking around naked was tolerated in Germany.”

Many Germans enjoy nude sunbathing which is allowed in public parks. The 41-year-old was carrying his clothes in a bag when police stopped him Monday evening after complaints from pedestrians.

The tourist was not under the influence of drugs, said police. They made him get dressed and pay a 200 euro ($269) deposit pending his investigation for indecent behavior.

Very understanding about it all. Because that’s natural. “It’s a little hot out, I think I’ll take off all my clothes and let my balls flop around in the sun.”

Then, later, the police inspect a nine year old girl’s room and deem that yes, indeed, it needs to be cleaned. They return later to evaluate her performance.

BERLIN (Reuters) – A nine-year-old German girl was so upset about having to tidy her room she put up a sign in her window urging passers-by to call police for help.

Pedestrians in the central city of Braunschweig saw the girl crying in the window, holding up a sign up saying “Help! Please call the police!” Next to her sat a small boy. Quickly alerted, officers rushed to the scene to discover the girl had argued with her mother about tidying her room and enlisted her two-year-old brother’s aid to attract attention.

“The room looked like a battlefield,” said a spokesman for local police on Monday. “Officers told the girl to tidy her room. When they came back two hours later to check, it was all cleaned up. And the mother and daughter had made up too.”

Another disaster averted. And we didn’t even need Reagan this time. “Little girl, Clean, up, this, room!”

Finally, there’s a guy arrested for drunk driving a wheelchair. Surprise, he’s German.

BERLIN (Reuters) – A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers.

“He was right in the middle of the road,” said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin Tuesday. “The officers couldn’t quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That’s a life-threatening figure.”

The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was a little over a mile from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village of Ventschow.

Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence.

“It’s not like we can impound his wheelchair,” the spokesman said. “But he is facing some sort of punishment. It’s just not clear yet what exactly that will be.”

It’s always something small, isn’t it? That’s how they get ya. Broken headlight. Failure to use blinker. Wheelchair in the road. And then they see the brillo pad in the back seat. Clearly this man has not seen enough COPS.

Ella

May 23, 2007

Everyone has their own addictions. It’s simple and it’s true. One addiction we all have in common is sex. Most of us, anyway.

I’ve often wondered what the interest is in reproducing; what makes the human race keep on going — aside from the obvious orgasmic qualities involved in sex? What else is there? Why do some parents obsess and devote so much time to their children, why do they make their children their lives?

Well, I finally found out. I’m not bright enough to just imagine, mind you, it took the creation of a child of my own.

I can tell you all that I know:

ella.jpg

I look at her and I can’t stop looking. She is truly beautiful.

I know that she relies, mainly, on me and her mother for support. We gave her life and we must sustain that life as long as we can. She depends on us, truly. She is a beautiful, helpless little being.

Instinct. I don’t know where instinct started, but it did. It was long ago, that’s all I know, back when men probably just clubbed the shit out of women to mate with them. This was only confirmed by my mother’s revelation that, when nursing women hear a baby cry in public, their breasts leak milk automatically. Did you know this, men? I did not. But everything, in the end, is instinct. We’re all human, however, so we get to enjoy it. That’s one thing I have learned about life, after 23 years and many bottles of prescription pills. You have to enjoy the experience of life itself. The ups, the downs, and especially the god damn UPS. Kendall would agree. You’re ALIVE. You feel, what else is there? Life.

And lastly, the thing I truly love about being a father is that, I always have something to look forward to. I look forward to every second I have with this little girl who knows nothing about this new, fucked up world. I want to teach her and I want to make her into what I think is a good human being. I want to introduce her to all kinds of music. I want to show her classic movies and eat pop corn with her. I want to hold her in my arms and know that she is truly a part of me and someone that I love (because try as I might, I will always love the woman that bore my child). In the end, it’s hard to explain, and I sound like one soft son of a bitch, but nothing matters more than family. That’s what I’ve been taught by my parents and it’s all I know. Instinct… I can’t deny you any more.

Australian comedy

May 10, 2007

It’s about fucking time.

The U.K. has had its Sacha Baron Cohen’s and its Monty Python’s, the U.S. has had its Conan O’Brien’s and Upright Citizens Brigade’s, Canada has had it’s Norm Macdonald’s and its Kids In The Hall — but what have the Aussies had? (Alright — they had Chopper. But what else?)

Right mate, that’s it — they’ve had the funniest show I’ve seen in years: THE CHASERS WAR ON EVERYTHING.

Yep. I am reluctant to say that the one show that offers the best Fox News parody I’ve seen in my lifetime originates from the opposite side o’ the world. What the fuck, America? It may be hard to top Colbert and Stewart, but I think we can do it. We have Saturday Night Live, after all… we have every new Saturday to try out something entirely new. And, yet, still you disappoint.

Well, good on ya my Australian mates. And all that stereotypical shit. Click here to see the rest of their YouTube portfolio. There’s a bunch to watch, and it’s all good.