Dear Gulf Coast drivers,

December 7, 2006

I cannot help that you were born in Bumfuckvillenowhere, grew up with little-to-no manners and do not correctly know how to drive, but I’m willing to attempt to help you out a little.

Firstly, when it comes to legality, pedestrians have the right of way. Period. This includes stop signs. If you see me at a stop sign, STOP, and don’t bitch because someone else is out walking to work and getting some exercise while you’re on your way home with a sack full of Krystal’s to watch NASCAR. There is no rush. Dale Earnhardt will still be there when you get home.

Shit. My mistake. Well, Petty will still be there, anyway. The point is, you stop. You don’t collect 200 dollars, you don’t pass Go, you Stop and Wait. It’s OK to take things slow now and then.

When you see a pedestrian walking towards you down the road, you slow down or move over to the left if there is no oncoming traffic — some times both! What you don’t do is drive 15 MPH over the speed limit a foot away from the pedestrian (ME, ASSHOLE!), especially when said pedestrian is traversing terrain lined with downed tree branches, sand, and weeds because there are no side walks in the pit stop shit hole town you both inhabitate.

Understand this: the one time I trip and fall into your hideous little Rice Rocket, I can promise you that I will leave more than a small dent in its trim. Your car will be totalled and your life will be ruined because you’ll have nothing else to do on Sundays when you could be riding around town pretending to be an O.G. with Young Jeezy blasting from those pimped out speakers of yours. Just stay at home and pretend you’re cool by smokin’ that Mexican dirt weed you’ve got stashed away, and do us all some good.

My Christmas wish is that the two idiots who passed me on the road today some how collide with each other this weekend, killing each other instantly, otherwise, they’re going to kill someone else out of stupidity. I actually took the driver’s test here in Florida last month (and passed) and can attest to the fact that you don’t truly have to know how to handle a vehicle to drive legally. You don’t have to know what to do in any given situation while careening down the road at 75MPH in a huge metallic behemoth, you just have to know how to park and do an un-timed 3-point-turn.

But they’re out there anyway, enmasse.

Russian roulette, every day, on your way… to work. Have fun.

As for the manners, I’ll give you a hint there, too. When you’re at a restaurant and are given utensils wrapped in a napkin, place the napkin on your lap. It’ll make you look sahfistacayted,


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