Gift Certificates

October 28, 2006

Does anyone honestly like to receive gift certificates for Christmas or their Birthday? Sure, it’s the thought that counts, and of course you like having something to spend, but when you think about it, isn’t it just sort of like giving somebody money with a contractual obligation to shop at one specific store? That’s fucked up to me. It’s almost as quick and easy as cash: go to the ATM or to Target, put it in an envelope, send it, and they both buy you whatever you want. But from different stores. The difference is that when someone asks you what you want for Christmas, it’s so much easier to say “oh just get me a gift card from Wal-Mart” instead of “Oh, just give me cash so I can buy drugs and booze and porn.”

You know it’s true. You heathen.

I have my own style when it comes to gifts: I either give them or I don’t. It’s either worth the effort or it isn’t, so come your next birthday when you receive jack shit from me, it’s probably because I couldn’t think of anything you didn’t already have. So hey, you’re set and ready to rock. Think of it that way. You’ve got it all, baby, unless I give it to you.

COPS, Okaloosa Style

October 26, 2006

I hereby inform your ass that on November 4th, 8pm / 7pm Central, COPS will air an episode featuring the proud police force of Okaloosa County. I actually heard about this via a MySpace bulletin, which is also worthy of note, historically, because it’s doubted that any useful information has ever been received via MySpace bulletin. Anyway, Okaloosa County covers Crestview, Destin, Niceville, Valparaiso and Fort Walton Beach, amongst many other small, shitty, miserable, kill-yourself-if-you-live-there towns, so tune in and get your fill of miserable, depressing crime!

I can’t wait to see who I might possibly know on that episode. An ex-girlfriend (maybe; prostitution), an old co-worker (maybe; crack possession), an old boss (maybe; embezzlement)… who really knows? I’m so excited. Bring it on Okaloosa… bring on the wife beating, bring on the speeding in your shitty pickups, bring it on in all your Flori-bama glory.

I’m waiting, patiently.
To whet your appetite, here’s some stuff from the haggard looking Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office website:

Top Ten List: Dumb (or Unlucky) Crooks in Okaloosa County

“Dumb Crook” stories are popular. Here are a few from 2004… every one of them from our files at the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office:

10-The 23 year old car burglar, caught after a 2:00 AM traffic stop. In plain view on the front seat of his 1998 Nissan was the one item reported stolen ten minutes earlier: a pair of leopard print fur covered handcuffs. (Offense # 04-2636)

9-The 26 year old woman who “keyed” a car at Wal-Mart a few days before Thanksgiving. The prime parking space she coveted, but didn’t get, was directly in view of the security camera. (04-13573)

8- The mom in Destin who grounded her 13-year-old daughter for poor grades. The daughter told the cops her mom sometimes locks herself in her room… and the room smells funny. The mother now has her own trouble in the legal system for marijuana. (04-13564)

7- The 14 year old Crestview girl who went to the kitchen, returned with a knife, and attacked her brother. She told Deputies he and two cousins were laughing too much. (04-15065)

6-The Fort Walton Beach man who took his old vacuum cleaner to a store and traded it in on a newer model. He forgot to remove the pound of marijuana hidden in the old Bissel. (04-1788)

5-The two employees of a pizza restaurant who kidnapped a giant inflatable “Spongebob Squarepants” from Burger King. The other pizzeria employees figured out in a hurry who put Spongebob on their roof. (04-13443)

4-The student from Tennessee who ran naked down a hotel hallway, then urinated on the wall and carpet. He told a Deputy he thought he was in the bathroom at his room… which turned out be at another hotel, four blocks down the road. (04-4698)

3-The 22 year old Crestview man who knew he’d be in trouble if he got caught driving on a suspended license. When he saw blue lights ahead on Highway 90, he made a quick turn onto a side street. In his haste to avoid the Deputy he saw, he crashed into one he hadn’t. (04-14153)

2-The robber who got worse with practice. A 36 year old Fort Walton Beach man tried three holdups within seven hours. The first netted him $50 and a carton of Marlboro Lights. He left the second store empty-handed after the clerk told him she had tripped a silent alarm. He changed his mind about robbing store number three because the clerk, tipped off by an alert citizen, was on the phone with the Sheriff’s Office when he walked in the door. Deputies were waiting for him on his way out. (04-7694)

1-Not the biggest crime… but, perhaps Okaloosa County’s dumbest crook of 2004 is the 17 year old Niceville boy who selected 13 magazines from a store in Destin, then told several employees he would show them how easy it is to steal from their store. They showed him how easy it is to catch a dumb crook. (04-13278)

So refreshing. But seriously, props on the Spongebob heist.

Actress Scarlett Johansson has announced plans to enter the world of music. According to Spin, she plans to release an album of Tom Waits covers called Scarlett Sings Tom Waits.

According to the article, she will be recording her debut through the winter and is eyeing a spring 2007 release via Rhino Records’ Atco label.

Tom Waits will be releasing a 3-CD set via the Anti- imprint on November 21, titled Brawlers, Bawlers and Bastards. A new track was recently debuted from the upcoming collection.

I guess what it comes down to is, when Tom Waits sings “Misery is the river of the world. Everybody row.” with his Satan’s smoker voice, I believe him.

When Scarlett Johansson sings it… well, I’ll probably still believe him, just for all the wrong reasons. Stupid broad needs to stay out of music. Nice tits, though.

Taco Bell, gotta love ’em. My local restaurant is staffed with douchebag-420LOL-pothead kids who some how manage to screw up every single order, and any given time you pull up to the drive-thru, there’s at least one of them sitting behind the dumpster giving the finger to the man by smoking some KIND BUD, YO! Because it isn’t obvious at all what they’re doing. Crestview is home to an intelligent breed, let me tell ya. But I digress.

Is Taco Bell now advocating the addition of a fourth meal to everyone’s diet, composed specifically of …fuckin’ tacos?! Every once and a while I’ll catch one of their commercials on TV about how, if it’s late, what you need to do is head on over to your local Taco Bell and have another meal. At 12am.

Just what the average American needs; not three, but four deep fried, greasy meals. It’s like they’re competing with Olive Garden to see who can make us the fattest. Everything at Olive Garden is “endless” now. First it was the endless breadsticks, now it’s endless pasta. One small step for man, one painstaking step for the morbidly obese.

I’m one to talk, but … I think 3 meals will do you just fine, and if you’re going to eat, it’s probably best not to do it right before going to bed. But whatever.

Enjoy your fourth run to the bathroom when you’re practically shitting yourself thanks to your monster gordita. Think out side the bun, kids.