An Open Letter to the FIFA World Cup Players

July 1, 2006

Dear FIFA World Cup players,

You are not being payed 20 mil a year for your acting skills. You are not Pierce Brosnan. When you are fouled, please don’t roll around on the ground dramatically like someone kicked you in the vagina. You look like a bitch and I lose respect for the game and the players each time I see it happen.

People wonder why soccer isn’t as popular in America yet. Well, as much as I respect the game, I can’t sit down to watch a match without throwing my hands in the air and screaming “GROW A PAIR!” at my television. Crying like a child should not be a part of any athletic endeavor. It should not be encouraged. The referee isn’t there to kiss it and make it better.

Flail around on the turf all you want in your “professional football club” games with your locals cheering you on (people who might forgive you for being a weakling), but when you’re at the World Cup playing in front of the world, you could try and act like a man for once. Give it a shot, you may like it! There’s honor, integrity… gritting your teeth in pain rather than spazming like a twat and pretending someone shot you in the leg with a Dirty Harry Magnum. That kinda stuff!

Just get up and play, I promise you’ll be OK. There’s a lollipop waiting for you in the locker room if it doesn’t work out. 😉

I think that’s about it.

Oh, and team USA — fire your players. It’s embarrassing. Really.

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