Mutants

June 6, 2006

Hollywood must burn, for this is the last straw:

The Standard reports that Hong Kong action star Donnie Yen is set to lead in the Hollywood remake of Japanese classic “The Seven Samurai”, alongside George Clooney and Chinese starlet Zhang Ziyi, a film company said.

Why anyone would let these assholes defile one of the best movies ever made with a cheap, trashy remake, I cannot even begin to fathom. This reaks of a pathetic attempt at another “Last Samurai” of sorts, except with Clooney instead of Tom Cruise. Because we all know white American guys are great at playing medieval Japanese samurais. Next up, Bradd Pitt plays an aging Japanese man with cancer in IKIRU!

Speaking of movies, I toured the Crestview theaters today with my friend Gilberto. The theaters don’t take credit cards, so we got to use the ATM. The ATM didn’t work, so we had to run to a gas station. The gas station wouldn’t give us cash back, so we had to go to another gas station across the street. By the time we got into the movies we were sweaty and a little pissed off, but I can’t say that it mattered. Consisting of one trash and popcorn strewn hallway and two or three “theater” rooms with about 30 chairs in each of them, what looked like a whopping 30 inch screen, and a sound system that would rival the hi-fi stereo on your grandmother’s Zenith circa 1972, the Crestview Cinema 3 is a place to behold.

What a catastrophe — and in that way it represents just about everything that is wrong with this town. The ass backward people willing to accept the ass backward hillbilly haunts; it’s all typical. Ah — but this is their den, Drew, and you live in it. Accept your fate.

I think next time I’ll just bring a flask. Maybe I could class the place up a bit by getting really drunk and vomitting on a small child or something.

The point of this, though, is that I went to see X-Men 3 (as if there weren’t enough mutants to cast my eyes upon in this town) and I have to say, man, as a kid who grew up with X-Men comic books and cartoons, these X-Men movies are kinda crappy.

Bet you didn’t see that one coming! You were waiting for a glowing movie review, because that’s what I do on my website. I talk about how nice things are!

My big complaint about sci-fi movies is that there are no rules whatsoever. And I’m curious as to why people choose to hype the X-men movies when there are so many flaws. I’ll forgive the flaws in the comic book, cause that’s a fucking comic book, but these are movies and that means new scripts. So, for instance:

Why does every mutant have an incredibly useful power? What if someone’s only special ability was that they could tell you what time it was without ever needing a watch? I want to see a totally benign mutant.
“Magneto is hurling cars at us! Storm, you send in fog! Wolverine, you attack him with your razor sharp claws! TimeMan… uh, will I make it to my nine o’clock appointment?!”
“Provided you aren’t killed by a flying Suburban, I estimate you might even be early enough to stop by Starbucks for a Frappucino!”
“AND A MUFFIN?”
“That would be cutting it close.”

Or better yet, a mutant whose only power is that he can open soup cans. Imagine Xavier trying to reassure that douchebag when he shows up at the mansion looking for support, and all he can do with his telekinetic powers is “open shit up”. He couldn’t really convert to the dark side either, because nobody there would want him. He’d be left to mope around Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters all day opening cans of Chunky Soup for people with his brain.
“Anybody seen the can opener? It’s time for some Spaghettios!”
“Why don’t you just go ask Can Opener Boy to open it for you?”
“He always makes such a big deal out of it, though. Last time it was ‘What do I look like to you, a kitchen appliance? And don’t tell me it’s ok! You can shoot lightning out of your god damn fingertips!’ And then he stormed off to his room. Forget that, I’ll just pick one up at Wal-Mart.”
“I need some things too, mind if I come along?”
“That’s cool. Meet me in our super flying jet thing.”

The jet. That technological wonder of a jet that got shot down in the second X-Men movie because it didn’t have any flares to divert the heat-seaking missiles. That one — what the hell is with that thing? The whole ending of that movie was based around their torn up jet, and yet if it wasn’t such a piece of shit, it could have dodged a missile or two and everyone would have been fine. That Rogue chick wouldn’t be buried beneath a billion cubic tons of water and she wouldn’t be a psycho bitch in the third movie.

San Francisco in X3. Would flying across on a trolley or something be asking too much of Magneto? Maybe the reason he decided to rip the ENTIRE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE out of the middle of the ocean and plow it into the island as a means of transportation was because he was pissed off that a pharmaceutical company turned one of our beloved National Parks into a pill factory. I would be angry, too. I was more upset over the destruction of Alcatraz than I was about the slaughter that took place there.

My last gripe is reserved for the thing that bewildered me the most. Apparently, when someone dies in an X-Men movie, it’s inevitable that they will come back to life. You can’t care about the well being of a character if you know they’re immortal… isn’t that a given? Who cares if they die when at any given moment, they could be resurrected with a flash of light? All it takes is a huge and mysterious explosion that looks like a cross between Christ’s supposed resurrection and aluminum foil in the microwave, and your favorite character is back in the movie, just in time for the sequel! Yay!

I’m waiting for Al Pacino to be cast as Xavier in the next movie. They really could do that, and no one would call their bluff. All they’d have to do is say that Xavier took on the form of an aging Italian with obvious plastic surgery after being blown into little particle bits by Rogue.

“KIDS, DON’T MISUSE YOUR POWERS. HOO-HAH!”

People would accept that, too. Cause they’re mutants, man… mutants.

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One Response to “Mutants”

  1. Matt Says:

    That my friends is the ranting of an angry young male.


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