Jesus Teeth and HD Porn

April 21, 2006

Thanks to our stupid baboon ancestors of many years past, most humans are cursed with “Wisdom Teeth” — or as the devout Christians out there might like to call them — “Jesus Teeth”. These Jesus Teeth are growing in my mouth at an angle which is unhelpful. I don’t have nice teeth as it is, I’m like second in line behind Shane MacGowan for worst teeth ever, so I’ve been told it’s time to get them out. This means being knocked out for an hour while a crew of people hold my mouth agape and then rip into it. Then they’ll sew up my little ouchies and I’ll stumble out the door drooling on myself. A few days of pain, bleeding, and eating soup after having my head hacked into can’t be that bad can it?

There is a bright side to all of this, of course. After the barbaric practice to remove my Jesus Teeth, I will receive a bottle of Percocet. I love how doctors prescribe way more medicine then you need in cases like this. It’s their way of saying “This is gonna suck a lot, dude. Here’s some extra candy to have fun with. Go wild.” Thanks doctor! I think after all is said and done and I’m lying in my room sky high on painkillers several weeks after my mouth has healed, I’ll know that I made the right decision.

In other news, imagine my disappointment tonight when, while flipping around through HIGH DEFINITION programming, I found a show entitled “Taco Eating” … only to discover that it was actually about taco eating. Like, Taco Bell tacos. Not the metaphorical taco. Yeah, I know. Seriously, where is the HD porn hiding? That’s why HD TVs were made, right? For HD porn. So I can see so far into vaginas that I can see koalas eating shrimp on the barbie and Chinamen doing, you know, Chinamen stuff. And yet there’s none to be found. Somebody get on it, stat!

6 Responses to “Jesus Teeth and HD Porn”

  1. Matt Says:

    You know, I still have my wisdom teeth. The top two are almost all the way in, and apparently they came in straight. The bottom two have yet to make an appearance, but I’m sure they will. My bottom teeth aren’t that straight, which bothers me greatly.

    From what I’ve read, they don’t actually sew the gaping holes up, so that they can close by themselves. But what do I know, I still have mine.

    I’d kinda like to get mine out just for the painkillers. But I don’t think I want to take the time off work.

    Whats the cost on getting your wisdom teeth removed?

  2. Matt Says:

    One more thing, as for the HD porn, thats a good question. Some 1080i porn or something. I kept waiting to see some multi-angle DVD porn and I was disappointed with it.

  3. Drew Says:

    I think they do stitch them up. You’re supposed to not use straws or eat anything that could bust them open or something. It costs a shit load if you don’t have insurance..more than a grand. Well, for all 4 anyway.

    I can’t play 1080i stuff on my pc for some reason, it gets all choppy and shit even with the right files. I dunno what to do, but it’s disappointing. 720p will play fine

  4. DBW Says:

    Know whats better than HD porn? A real girl.

    I have an… extra tooth… in the back of my mouth thats at an angle and Ive had it for pretty much ever and Ive never had a dentist tell me that it had to be removed. Dont see the point in taking it out anyway, its not bothering anyone.
    However, I have had two teeth pulled – the second one from the back, whatever theyre called. One of them was because the cap I had got messed up and the tooth suffered for it and so it had to get pulled out. And the other one because I cracked it in half eating a Tic Tac. A fucking Tic Tac! Both times I went in to get them pulled and both times I was out of there five minutes later.
    I had heard horror stories about how the docs have to yank and pull and it takes forever and you can hear the cracking and tearing and whatnot. So the first time I went in I brought my cd player so that I could listen to music for the half hour or so it took them to do it and I wouldnt have to hear any of it. So Im numb, the doc comes in, I put my headset on, he puts some metal thing in my mouth, I close my eyes and hit play, he makes a couple quick motions, the song starts, he taps me on the shoulder and tells me hes done. I swear to you, I looked him in the eyes and basically told him he was full of it. He shrugged, I turned to the nurse, she smiled, I turned back to him and hes taking his gloves off. The guy really was done. Five minutes. No mas.
    In both of my cases, I had no stitches or anything. Just a big hole that I had to keep food out of. Should you get something in there, be prepared to go fishing. Three weeks later and I was good as new. And should I ever need to go back and have it done again, it wont bother me.
    So, I had to have emergency surgery for a fricken tooth cracked in half, paid $200 without insurance, and I got jack for any pain that would follow. Why do you need an eight hour procedure, pay $1000, and get elephant tranquilizers? Huh?

  5. Drew Says:

    Yeah, Sam, women are better than HD porn. Until you blow your load. Then they’re both the same.

    And I won’t have surgery for 8 hours, just 1 hour, then I get the pills. It’s worth it if you have insurance, otherwise, go to a dirty street in San Diego and find some OxyCodone

  6. Bev Says:

    You’re lucky they’re taking them out. I have 2 on one side that are both growing into my cheek, and despite what my husband may say, I have a very small mouth. I really don’t have the space for them. And the dentists response to my pleas to have them removed? “There’s nothing wrong with them.” Oh, I see, you mean APART FROM THE FACT THAT THEY ARE GROWING INTO MY FUCKING CHEEK! But thats the NHS for you.


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