This is where I review Brokeback Mountain

January 31, 2006

“I wish I knew how to quit you.”
– gay cowboy #1, Brokeback Mountain

Manlove Mountain (yeah, I know, I’m 13 years old) is apparently going to win a shit ton of awards or something. I’m not sure why. I think, really, it’s only because the Australian guy and the dude from Donnie Darko were willing to make out and take on such roles, which probably appeals to women somewhere. I’m not sure it has so much to do with the story line.

It wasn’t a bad movie altogether, I’ll admit that. But it was totally different from what I thought it would be… in a bad way. I thought they turned gay — isolated, out in the wilderness somewhere herding cattle together — two manly-men would grow desperate and then claim each other as lovers. Sort of like if John Wayne & Clint Eastwood were cell mates or something. Something like that. That’s not how it happened, though! I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying that they were just plain ol’ gay cowboys. Angry gays, too, them lot! Very angry gays. Always attacking each other. Like sharks. In their first sexual scene, they basically just mauled each other. There wasn’t any sensual talk, there wasn’t any build up. There weren’t really any hints. They were two guys joking and laughing and camping out..and then suddenly, lights out, manlove!

Eventually the movie panned out and didn’t suck so bad, but it ran forever..and ever..and ever. There were lots of quiet, “let’s take everything in” moments where the camera would pan around slowly. When they first met in that gravel parking lot, they just sort of sat near each other and said nothing for two minutes. I was forced to dub the film for them. For instance, to me, it would have been much more interesting if one of them broke the ice with “You gay too?” or “Hey, wanna have gay sex?” in a slow cowboy drawl, because otherwise, well, it was just awkward. Nobody said anything though, and it bored the shit out of me. For shame.

When the movie finally ended, I kind of thought it could have been finished 30 minutes earlier without any damage to the story. One thing that really stood out was the scene where Australian cowboy #1 beats the shit out of two bikers at a family fair type of thing. I didn’t get why it was really in the movie. The bikers were being vulgar with children present, so he asked them to calm down, and they wouldn’t, so he then kicked the absolute shit out of them. Now, maybe this was supposed to show his frustration with life in general, or his love for his family despite loving another man, etc, but I kind of took it as a “gay’s ain’t all pansies, why, get a load of this!” scene, proving that the homosexual stereotype did not fit in an all-too-dramatic way.

Really, the entire movie was about that — these being regular guys with families, having to hide their love for one another in a world that would simply not allow that kind of love. That part was legitimately sad. The rest, well, not that impressive. But angry gay cowboys aren’t common, so, to be honest, it was interesting. The scenes where they were just hanging out in the mountains acting like the Marlboro Man & drinking straight out of a whiskey bottle appealed to me at least.

3 Responses to “This is where I review Brokeback Mountain”

  1. Bev Says:

    The problem with movies life this is that they spawn copycat movies from lazy Hollywood execs who think this is the next big thing. Be prepared for the gay wrestler movie, the gay trucker movie, the gay astronaut move, the gay cop movie, the gay Rambo movie… I’m telling you, this year Hollywood is going seriously gay. You heard it here first.

  2. Drew Says:

    Yeah, you’re probably right with that one. The gay flood gates have been opened. We may very well drown in manlove.

  3. Bev Says:

    I now have an horrific image in my head. Oh God help us.

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