Ultimate Rambo, now with suicidal tendencies!

January 29, 2006

“All I wanted was something to eat.”
-John J. Rambo,
holder of Congressional Medal of Honor, confirmed kills: 54

I was wandering around the electronics section of Target today, looking at all of the movies I could pirate on the internet that are being sold for like $20, when I spotted First Blood looking up at me from a shelf. I picked it up just to look at the back to see what they had to say about John J. Rambo, who as we all know could “eat things that would make a billy goat puke,” when I noticed a sticker on the front. “INCLUDES NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN ALTERNATE SUICIDE ENDING!

They seemed really excited about it with the exclamation mark and all, so that got ME kind of excited, and then I looked at the cool case with the shiney knife and decided that it would be mine. How many sales pitches include enthusiastic references to suicide, after all

How would John do it, though? How would a survival specialist kill himself? A simple gunshot wound to the head wouldn’t suffice. He’d come out with something crazy. He’d bring down an entire fucking building and all of the pig cops in the city with him, or do something innovative like Ian Curtis from Joy Division did — he’d hang himself with a clothesline. But he’d also rig the clothesline with a grenade and a claymore or something. So, that pretty much did it. Now I own the fuckin thing. I felt it was my civic duty. I’ll be sure to post back and say how our hero falls, if anyone is interested. It better be good.

The alternate ending sort of sucked. Rambo didn’t necessarly kill himself, so to speak. He pulled out the Colonel’s pistol, asked him to shoot him while sobbing about how it’s too hard to live, and then when the Colonel wouldn’t, Rambo pulled the trigger himself while the Colonel held it. So he was shot in the chest. Then he flopped across the room dramatically and died leaning against a desk.

Much more interesting was the deleted “flashback” scene. Instead of it being a flashback of his friend getting blown to bits by an NVA shoebox in a bar, the one he cries about at the end, where he’s peeling his friend off of him and he can’t find his legs, etc, etc, it’s a flashback about humping some Vietnamese hooker he met at a crappy bar. I don’t think that’s a common flashback for PTSD Nam vets, but who knows. This all happened while he was staring at the fire in the old mine shaft thing. Content with his Vietnamese titties flashback, he laid back and went to sleep. I was also content, because the only thing missing in Rambo is some nice T&A. OVER AND OUT.


2 Responses to “Ultimate Rambo, now with suicidal tendencies!”

  1. Something tells me it’s going to be really stupid, since it is, after all, an alternate ending to RAMBO. Let us know.

  2. Drew Says:

    sheriff teasle in First Blood was a naysayer, just like you, and rambo kicked his ass.
    keep that in mind, naysayer

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