ATARI

January 19, 2006

I finally opened the ATARI Flashback I got as a Christmas present, and I don’t know how I feel about it. How can I play modern stuff like Battlefield 2 — that is, drive tanks, fly attack choppers & planes, Blackhawk transports, command 32 people at once, call in life-saving artillery strikes, fend off multiple Chinese counterattacks with only my knife and trusty rifle — and then suck so badly at Pong for fuck’s sake? I think as technology advances I only get dumber. We’re talking about a bouncing ball and two sticks on your television, here. Calling it “tennis” or “ping pong” would be glorifying it, I think. (And we’ll overlook that few things are sadder than playing Pong and drinking by yourself at 12:15 in the morning for a moment.)

Something else: in Missile Command, you are the defense of your country against a cowardly nuclear attack. You must destroy all of the enemy’s missiles before they hit your cities by shooting your own nuclear (hey, it’s the cold war era, everything is nuclear) missiles into the sky and detonating those missiles headed your way. While I’m sad that all of my cities were destroyed by the bastard communists, I’m still sort of confused. Isn’t it just as bad to blow up nukes in the sky above your fair cities?

I guess they didn’t think about this stuff back in the day. Then again, in Battlefield 2 I can leap from a helicopter 300 feet in the air and land in the warm waters surrounding Wake Island without being hurt, so I guess few things have changed.

Now on to Pitfall where I’ll ruin my family name by jumping into the mouth of an alligator, and Lunar Lander, where I’ll recreate the Challenger Accident by exploding over and over and over again.

Party Fucking ANIMAL!

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One Response to “ATARI”

  1. DBW Says:

    I was thinking about writing about my own state of videogaming, but was putting it off cuz it was a bit… sad. But after reading yours, well, I got nothing to worry about cuz youre just pathetic. How the Hell can you suck at Pong? Its Pong! Even if youre drunk at 12:15 in the morning, you still shouldnt suck at it. For that matter, if youre passed out in the gutter at 12:15 in the morning you shouldnt suck. Its no wonder I kick your ass in football on a regular basis.


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