Call Me Siskel

November 12, 2005

“I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol.”
– Stephen Seagal

Here are a shitload of movies I’ve bought or rented recently that I give 5 stars, for various reasons:

The first is BATMAN: THE MOVIE. I actually found it at Target for 5 bucks. I snatched it up just for the cheese factor, and boy has it delivered. It’s probably one of the best movies you could choose if you wanted to get drunk on a boring Friday night and laugh at something. It’s ripe for heckling and dubbing with your friends, quite unlike Batman 3 & 4 (Batnipples and Arnold Schwarzenegger) which were just plain depressing.

Old school Batman still ranks up there with today’s Batman if not only because he is so hilarious, however. Whether the humor is intentional in parts, or as completely unintentional as it seems, the entire movie is gold. Another thing that makes the movie worthwhile is the fact that the Joker is genuinely frightening. Like the Umpa Lumpas in Willy Wonka, the Joker went overkill on the makeup and the result could make a grown man piss himself in fear.

Batman’s appearance, on the other hand, is not quite as flattering. It wouldn’t be so far fetched to imagine that he enlisted his grandmother to sew his costume, and one can only assume Robin got a steal on his suit at the local K-Mart After Halloween Sale. And yet, still, the duo kick ass. All kinds of ass. Even shark Ass. There’s a scene in this movie where Batman climbs off of his Batcopter and onto the Batladder waiting below and is dipped into the ocean where his leg is then bitten by a shark. The shark will not let go of Batman’s leg, even when Robin pulls the Batcopter into high altitude, so Batman is forced to beat on the shark with his fists. Batman is punching a shark attached to his leg while hovering over the ocean in a MASH helicopter. Let that sink in. Of course, Robin takes the initiative and swings down like a gay trapeze artist to hand Batman some Shark Repellent, thereby saving the day.

You lied, Batman, you did not keep your wits about you! For shame. The Repellent used comes in a handy aeresol spraycan like Tough Actin’ Motherfuckin Tinactin, and it does its job just as well. The exploding shark fell into the water and then it exploded, as an exploding shark should do. The movie is just full of this stuff. It’s worth every penny. Go get it!

ABOVE THE LAW. I bought it for $5.76. I’ll let the movie speak for itself:

Nico is a tough and sexy cop who aims to take down the CIA. He’s an expert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in aikido and family in the Mafia. He’s a cop with an attitude and he’s ready to explode. Steven Seagal’s film debut.

The plot summary sounds like it was written for 6th grade English class by a little girl somewhere in Vermont. Take note: not only is he tough, but he’s sexy, something you need to be if you want to take down the CIA. The Central Intelligence Agency love their sexy, akidio practicing men — it is their fatal flaw. And it doesn’t hurt that Nico (haha, his name is fucking Nico) has family in the mafia, because if being sexy and tough and having a pony tail isn’t enough, then you can just threaten people with your mafia ties. I think this is the best Steven Seagal movie, and I think you should agree or I’ll contact him at once and then you’ll have too much tough and sexy on your hands than you’ll know what to do with. You’re warned.

I love lame 90’s action movies, don’t you? Which brings me to why I bought SURVIVING THE GAME. It’s because the lead actor is named Ice-T and in the movie he runs around in a forest and is hunted by crazy rich white men on 4 wheelers. You see, Ice-T was living on the street as a bum because his house caught fire and his family was burned alive. I think he was a fireman or something too, which didn’t help with the whole guilt thing. Then, a rich guy plucked poor Ice-T from the street with promises of mountains of food and money. But all Ice-T got was a lousy t-shirt. Anyway, using the sense he procured on those very streets, what we’ll call “street sense,” (which is apparently applicable in forests) Ice-T morphs into a MacGyver/Rambo hybrid and destroys the group of hunters in a very violent fashion. The hunters. . . BECAME THE HUNTED. Compelling stuff.

One of the best scenes is where Ice-T runs into a log cabin and finds the heads of other street people in jars in a special “trophy room” made by the hunters. It looked alot like those talking heads in Futurama, except they don’t talk because they’re dead. I watched this movie over and over again when I was about 11. My friend Cameron and I loved this shit, along with Airborne. They were watched many times and then followed up with way too much Road Rash for the Genesis. The good days.

I’M FROM HOLLYWOOD. Well, what can you say about Andy? The man was hilarious. He mocked and enraged throngs of redneck wrestling fans in Tennessee and lived to tell the tale, at least until he died of cancer. And he was such a prankster that people thought he was joking when he did die. Hardcore, bitches. Hard. Core.

AMERICAN SPLENDOR was 6 bucks, and what a folly that is. They’re practically giving away this story of a miserable hermit. If you don’t get enough miserable hermit goings on here at my website, you can just buy this movie! You should buy 3 of them just because they’re 6 bucks.

I like Paul Giamatti. He’s a great actor, but I think the reason I really like him is because he often takes on the role of the boring, lonely, depressed guy. He’s the every day hero for the downtrodden asses of the world, he makes being a douchebag loser seem like an OK thing to be. . . and people like me need that. I come very close to shitting myself with laughter every time I see him run down the hill in Sideways while downing a bottle of wine. Perfecto.

IKIRU. It’s Criterion Collection and 28 bucks, so it remains a rental, especially if it will turn around and be released as HD-DVD in a couple of years. It’s an old Japanese movie about a man who is told that he will shortly die of cancer. He is forced to reflect on the years he’s wasted sitting in his office doing paperwork for the government, how he should have enjoyed life, how he should have done so many things differently. Out of desperation he tries to drink himself to death at a local bar — Death by sake. They had me right there, baby. It goes on to weave a most interesting story, but you’ll have to check it out. I will say that the most memorable part of the film, to me, was the scene where he’s swinging in the middle of the playground he helped build, in the middle of the night, with snow softly falling around him, and he’s singing the song Life Is Brief:

Life is so short
Fall in love, dear maiden
While your lips are still red
And before you are cold,
For there will be no tomorrow.

That’s one of the best scenes in any movie I’ve ever seen, right there. The movie itself is perfect for those cold and lonely nights, so if you’re anything like me, you’ll be watching it a lot.

Now if you’re looking for a movie to watch on Sunday when there’s nothing else to do, you’ll know what to get, because I’ve given you 6 fantastic options. Enjoy!

3 Responses to “Call Me Siskel”

  1. DBW Says:

    Damn you for stealing my movie review idea. Ok, so I actually havent started it yet, but Ive been thinking about it for a while now and have taken very small baby steps with the “Movies Watched” thing I have on mine, and so now it will look like I have copied you when/if I ever get mine going. So let it be known now that you are the thief even if you did not know you were stealing.

    As youve already been told, you MUST check out “The Batman: The Complete 1943 Serials” cuz theyre awesomely cheesy. Im seriously thinking about buying it even though I just rented it. Hopefully “The 1949 Serials” will be just as good.

    Best Steven Seagal movie is Under Siege for the simple fact that it has Erika Eleniak popping out of a cake topless. I love you Erika.
    I went to to check on the spelling of “siege” cuz Im dumb sometimes and cant remember crap, and I see that Under Siege 3 is in production and he has five movies in the works right now – one of which he plays a character named “Cock Puncher.” Oscar material no doubt.

    I cant quite explain why, but I liked Surviving The Game. Not my favorite movie, but if it was on tv Id probably watch it again.

    And your other movies… havent seen em. And with that, Im gone.

  2. Drew Says:

    Cock Puncher? hahahah

  3. Bev Says:

    American Splendor, and Paul Giametti, are OSSUM! I’ve loved him since I saw him in the Howard Stern movie, one of my all time favourite actors. Original Batman rocks! \m/

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