November 21, 2005

I never thought I would agree with Bush or Cheney on anything, but their claims that we would look like huge cunts if we withdrew from Iraq right now are 100% correct. We can’t pull out now. We made a mess and we have to clean it up, at the continuing cost of our soldiers’ lives. Not only would we look like we were totally defeated, we’d be screwing over quite a few Iraqi people who are not shooting at us, but who are instead depending on us. Again: it’s our mess, our job to clean it up. I just wish the Democrats, or whoever’s making the noise about pulling out, would keep their mouths shut for once (never thought I’d say that either), because it’s making them look stupid. Oppose the war, oppose the idiots who created it — yes. Make ludicrous demands that make you and your supporters look like asses — no. Shoulda done that a while ago when we were all asking “why are we going to war?”

Sure, you got duped with false information. There were no WMDs, Saddam had nothing to do with “the evil terrorists,” you have a legitimate complaint. But why were you dumb enough to trust our dirtbag president in the first place? You should have voted against the war and that should have been that. You didn’t. Now deal with the consequences in a dignified manner, prepare to take the White House back in ’08, and for now, shut up.

“It’s a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They’re used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.”
-Batman, while climbing the wall of a tavern

As we were on the subject of superheroes acting like complete asses (see the Batman post below), Sam sent me a link to a site today that mainly focuses on them being complete dicks. . . abusing their superpowers, as it were. There is plenty of sexual innuendo sprinkled about too, and that doesn’t hurt. All of the comics are real. They’re not doctored, and that is what makes them funny. The site’s slow, but it’s got some good stuff. Here are a few I liked:


Call Me Siskel

November 12, 2005

“I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol.”
– Stephen Seagal

Here are a shitload of movies I’ve bought or rented recently that I give 5 stars, for various reasons:

The first is BATMAN: THE MOVIE. I actually found it at Target for 5 bucks. I snatched it up just for the cheese factor, and boy has it delivered. It’s probably one of the best movies you could choose if you wanted to get drunk on a boring Friday night and laugh at something. It’s ripe for heckling and dubbing with your friends, quite unlike Batman 3 & 4 (Batnipples and Arnold Schwarzenegger) which were just plain depressing.

Old school Batman still ranks up there with today’s Batman if not only because he is so hilarious, however. Whether the humor is intentional in parts, or as completely unintentional as it seems, the entire movie is gold. Another thing that makes the movie worthwhile is the fact that the Joker is genuinely frightening. Like the Umpa Lumpas in Willy Wonka, the Joker went overkill on the makeup and the result could make a grown man piss himself in fear.

Batman’s appearance, on the other hand, is not quite as flattering. It wouldn’t be so far fetched to imagine that he enlisted his grandmother to sew his costume, and one can only assume Robin got a steal on his suit at the local K-Mart After Halloween Sale. And yet, still, the duo kick ass. All kinds of ass. Even shark Ass. There’s a scene in this movie where Batman climbs off of his Batcopter and onto the Batladder waiting below and is dipped into the ocean where his leg is then bitten by a shark. The shark will not let go of Batman’s leg, even when Robin pulls the Batcopter into high altitude, so Batman is forced to beat on the shark with his fists. Batman is punching a shark attached to his leg while hovering over the ocean in a MASH helicopter. Let that sink in. Of course, Robin takes the initiative and swings down like a gay trapeze artist to hand Batman some Shark Repellent, thereby saving the day.

You lied, Batman, you did not keep your wits about you! For shame. The Repellent used comes in a handy aeresol spraycan like Tough Actin’ Motherfuckin Tinactin, and it does its job just as well. The exploding shark fell into the water and then it exploded, as an exploding shark should do. The movie is just full of this stuff. It’s worth every penny. Go get it!

ABOVE THE LAW. I bought it for $5.76. I’ll let the movie speak for itself:

Nico is a tough and sexy cop who aims to take down the CIA. He’s an expert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in aikido and family in the Mafia. He’s a cop with an attitude and he’s ready to explode. Steven Seagal’s film debut.

The plot summary sounds like it was written for 6th grade English class by a little girl somewhere in Vermont. Take note: not only is he tough, but he’s sexy, something you need to be if you want to take down the CIA. The Central Intelligence Agency love their sexy, akidio practicing men — it is their fatal flaw. And it doesn’t hurt that Nico (haha, his name is fucking Nico) has family in the mafia, because if being sexy and tough and having a pony tail isn’t enough, then you can just threaten people with your mafia ties. I think this is the best Steven Seagal movie, and I think you should agree or I’ll contact him at once and then you’ll have too much tough and sexy on your hands than you’ll know what to do with. You’re warned.

I love lame 90’s action movies, don’t you? Which brings me to why I bought SURVIVING THE GAME. It’s because the lead actor is named Ice-T and in the movie he runs around in a forest and is hunted by crazy rich white men on 4 wheelers. You see, Ice-T was living on the street as a bum because his house caught fire and his family was burned alive. I think he was a fireman or something too, which didn’t help with the whole guilt thing. Then, a rich guy plucked poor Ice-T from the street with promises of mountains of food and money. But all Ice-T got was a lousy t-shirt. Anyway, using the sense he procured on those very streets, what we’ll call “street sense,” (which is apparently applicable in forests) Ice-T morphs into a MacGyver/Rambo hybrid and destroys the group of hunters in a very violent fashion. The hunters. . . BECAME THE HUNTED. Compelling stuff.

One of the best scenes is where Ice-T runs into a log cabin and finds the heads of other street people in jars in a special “trophy room” made by the hunters. It looked alot like those talking heads in Futurama, except they don’t talk because they’re dead. I watched this movie over and over again when I was about 11. My friend Cameron and I loved this shit, along with Airborne. They were watched many times and then followed up with way too much Road Rash for the Genesis. The good days.

I’M FROM HOLLYWOOD. Well, what can you say about Andy? The man was hilarious. He mocked and enraged throngs of redneck wrestling fans in Tennessee and lived to tell the tale, at least until he died of cancer. And he was such a prankster that people thought he was joking when he did die. Hardcore, bitches. Hard. Core.

AMERICAN SPLENDOR was 6 bucks, and what a folly that is. They’re practically giving away this story of a miserable hermit. If you don’t get enough miserable hermit goings on here at my website, you can just buy this movie! You should buy 3 of them just because they’re 6 bucks.

I like Paul Giamatti. He’s a great actor, but I think the reason I really like him is because he often takes on the role of the boring, lonely, depressed guy. He’s the every day hero for the downtrodden asses of the world, he makes being a douchebag loser seem like an OK thing to be. . . and people like me need that. I come very close to shitting myself with laughter every time I see him run down the hill in Sideways while downing a bottle of wine. Perfecto.

IKIRU. It’s Criterion Collection and 28 bucks, so it remains a rental, especially if it will turn around and be released as HD-DVD in a couple of years. It’s an old Japanese movie about a man who is told that he will shortly die of cancer. He is forced to reflect on the years he’s wasted sitting in his office doing paperwork for the government, how he should have enjoyed life, how he should have done so many things differently. Out of desperation he tries to drink himself to death at a local bar — Death by sake. They had me right there, baby. It goes on to weave a most interesting story, but you’ll have to check it out. I will say that the most memorable part of the film, to me, was the scene where he’s swinging in the middle of the playground he helped build, in the middle of the night, with snow softly falling around him, and he’s singing the song Life Is Brief:

Life is so short
Fall in love, dear maiden
While your lips are still red
And before you are cold,
For there will be no tomorrow.

That’s one of the best scenes in any movie I’ve ever seen, right there. The movie itself is perfect for those cold and lonely nights, so if you’re anything like me, you’ll be watching it a lot.

Now if you’re looking for a movie to watch on Sunday when there’s nothing else to do, you’ll know what to get, because I’ve given you 6 fantastic options. Enjoy!

Beer Good!

November 7, 2005

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.”
-Humphrey Bogart

Beer is now good for you. So say researchers in Oregon. I’m not going to rejoice, because if I cared about my health I wouldn’t do the things I do — like drinking heavily — but I do find it humorous that they’re now saying massive amounts of beer can be beneficial to you. First they said chocolate was bad, then it was good for your heart, then coffee was bad, then it was good for your brain, then drinking a ton of water was good for your body, then it was bad, then they changed the food pyramid around to form a pentagon or some such shit, blah blah blah. It’s all a little silly.

Maybe it will help dissolve the stigma associated with heavy drinking, though, and that would be good. Here in America we mostly frown upon the whole thing. We are the hardest working nation and also one of the strictest when it comes to mood altering substances, so any change there can only be beneficial. I mean, hell, look at the Japanese or the Germans. Those people get trashed on a regular basis, it is a part of their culture, and yet both of their societies function rather well. . . aside from that whole Berlin Wall and Atomic Bomb thing. I mean, we have Sony Playstations and BMWs, don’t we? I rest my case. The next time you’re criticized by some purist bastard for downing a tallboy of Silver Bullet as fast as you can, announce in defiant, slurred words: “I’m fighting god damn tumors!”

Charlie the Fudge Packer

November 3, 2005

Am I the only one who thought that Charlie & The Chocolate Factory was a big let down? It was supposed to be a darker film, but like Michael and I agreed — you can’t get much darker than the original. “Oh, your daughter fell into the incinerator? Sorry.” In the remake, Wonka assured the parent that the child would be ok! What kind of shit is that? There is no assurance. Your child is fucking incinerated, your baby is burning alive for her sins, that’s the moral!

Or what about the German kid in the original? He fell in, was sucked up, and if I recall, Wonka was just pissed off because his chocolate was contaminated with fat-German-kid juices. But oh no, in the remake, he has to summon his cloned, crappy midgets (who are by no means as frightening as the legion of orange-painted nightmares that are the real Umpa Lumpas) and promise to get the whole thing taken care of. Even the Umpa Lumpa songs in the remake seem hollow and depressing. They’re sub-par pop songs. The melodic chanting of the real Umpa Lumpas, complete with their rigid dance routine, sent chills up my spine every time. So what was the logic in changing that?

The only darkness I found in the remake was in Willy Wonka himself, and that was mostly because of his physical appearance. As for his role, well, I’m a big Johnny Depp fag and I love just about all of his work, but I don’t think that he did anything outstanding to the character. The new voice and the father issues were notable. . .But that’s about it. If anthing else is redeemable, it’s the kid who played Charlie, because he pulled off the whole “innocent British child” rather well. He was an improvement over the original child who had freakish blonde hair and a strange smile I couldn’t quite understand. Everything else stunk, especially the computer generated nonsense that is expected these days.

You’re making me sick, yous kids over there in Hollywood. Cut out that racket.