I ain’t no Lono

October 29, 2005

Got home from work and a rather large package from the enemy, UPS, was waiting for me. Guess who now owns The Curse of Lono? That’s right, daddy does. I don’t care if the publishers are making a fortune off of idiots like me who snatched up the book at an outrageous price because we thought it would go out of print again. . . I wanted the book and Visa gave it to me, god damn it.

culono.jpgI didn’t realize it would be so big, but I suppose since half of it is filled with Steadman’s drawings, it only makes sense. I’ve flipped through about 5 pages and I can already tell you that it is worth the $40 I paid. Full-sized pages of Ralph Steadman’s nightmarish sketches merged together with another tale of debauchery from the doctor. . . You can’t beat that.

The opening is classic HST. Somebody offers him an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii to cover a sporting event, extra cash included. Sound familiar? You have to ask, did they not know who Hunter was? They must have by then — 1980. So, then you have to wonder, were they hoping to squeeze another article out of him like the one he wrote for Rolling Stone? No, guess not — the magazine that hired him was called Running (their logo sports a happy rainbow tint), and so the only conclusion I can come to is that they knew he would go for it and they just desperately wanted a story on the Honolulu race. They didn’t care if he got drunk, went on crazy acid trips and tried to buy Orangutans while he was over there, so long as they got their running story. On the next page of Lono, what looks like a copy of HST’s typed-out letter to Steadman reads:

Dear Ralph,
I think we have a live one this time, old sport. Some dingbat up in Oregon named Perry wants to give us a month in Hawaii for Christmas and all we have to do is cover the Honolulu Marathon for his magazine, a thing called Running… Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, Ralph. You’re pacing around over there in the war room at the Old Loose Court and thinking, “Why me? And why now? Just when I’m getting respectable?” Well… let’s face it, Ralph; anybody can be respectable, especially in England. But not everybody can get paid to run like a bastard for 26 miles in some maniac hype race called the Honolulu Marathon.

From there, he informs Ralph that they will be competing in the 26 mile race and that he has also entered Ralph into a surfing competition where he will be shot off into the waves at 75MPH. Great stuff. It’s kind of sad that nobody writes actual letters to each other anymore. It’s all in phone calls or e-mails, never is it something mashed out on a typewriter or written by hand, stamped with a personal emblem. Maybe I’ll start printing my would be e-mails out and sealing my envelopes with a special wax composed of my blood and semen or something. That’ll give you something to remember me by. Gonzo fist be damned.

And now, on to, ba da da dum, LINKS OF THE DAY:

Here’s a drunk man dancing with children at a college football game. Well done, my brother, well fucking done. PS love the fanny pack.

Now you can say actually say “What’s wrong with kids these days?” and not feel like an old piece of shit. Because it’ll be a legitimate question. This fat child will not remove himself from his online Xbox game long enough to procure another glass of chocolate milk, so he shouts for his mother to get it for him. His mother refuses, perhaps knowing her little angel is becoming a land manatee of sorts and needs to move around a little. Remember, junior, the glass of chocolate milk sort of negates the .5 calories you burn walking to get it, so don’t feel too proud when your ass finally gets up. The best part is at the end. When he talks, his game character talks, so you see this grown spec ops soldier shouting to his mom to get him a glass of Nestle.

Here’s a good one. Frustrated taxi driver makes society eat his shit

Man Caught On Tape Sprinkling Fecal Matter On Pastries
A cab driver in Dallas, Texas, was allegedly caught on surveillance video sprinkling dried fecal matter on cookies and pastries at a grocery store, according to a Local 6 News.

Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh, 49, is on trial for allegedly throwing the feces on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store.

Police said that during an investigation, they found a pile of human feces by his bed. Investigators believe Nahidmobarekeh would dry the feces, either by microwave or just letting it sit out, grate it up with a cheese grater and then sprinkle it at the store.

“(We are) unable to identify him; just a young boy, maybe 3 years old, on the surveillance tape you can see him eating one of the cookies and that’s the worst part about it ,I think.”

Attorneys in the case were unclear about a motive in the case.

Prosecutors will show a surveillance videotape of the defendant, which shows him sprinkling a substance on the food.

The FBI arrested Nahidmobarekeh but turned the case over to local prosecutors after they determined it was not a national security issue.

Finally, for anybody who likes Wikipedia as much as I do, and for anyone who uses Firefox as a browser, click here and add Wikipedia to your quicksearch tab. While Google may retain the crazy librarian crown with unsurpassed amounts of knowledge, Wikipedia is nearly instantaneous in giving you some form of answer in summary and it is usually dead on. They go hand in hand.

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2 Responses to “I ain’t no Lono”

  1. Mark Says:

    This entire entry is one of the best things I’ve read in yonks.

  2. Drew Says:

    I had to Urban Dictionary ‘yonks’ and that made me feel like a tool. But thank you, good sir


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