Heigh Ho

October 17, 2005

It’s never safe to be nostalgic about something until you’re absolutely certain there’s no chance of its coming back.”
Bill Vaughn

Got a call this morning and was offered the job in the evening instead of the one in the early morning, which sounds better to me. I’m grateful that I don’t have to walk to work in the dark at 2:30 am, and I’m especially grateful I don’t have to walk home (at least not yet) after moving all of those boxes around.

The job is, well, it’s like unloading all of the boxes from your Ryder truck on a moving day, and then helping your neighbors with theirs, as quickly as you can. I have big red cuts from the brilliant douchebag who waas throwing boxes at me and a couple bruises too, and my back, well let’s not bother. Unloading a truck full of 50 pound boxes is not my forte, but I’ll deal with it for now. It is, after all, nice to be making money.

At least taking a manual labor job like this puts things into perspective. Coming home after getting my ass kicked to see Laguna Beach on the TV, where a bunch of rich girls lie around in the sun, blab on their cell phones about their loser boyfriends and spend their parents’ money makes me want to murder someone. May they all be hit by a truck. A Mack truck with big fuckin’ KC lights and a sign on the front with “YOU ARE FILTH” written on it in pigs blood. At least I see what it will be like for the rest of my life if I don’t go to college or join the military…instead of a comfortable desk tucked in the corner of an office building somewhere I’ll be moving boxes around for 7 something an hour. Who is it that claims youth is such a time to be cherished, anyway? Making decisions that effect the rest of your life is not fun, it is not easy. Working your ass off to work your way up through some system, that isn’t easy. Sounds like pure nostalgia to me. The bright side is that I have a chance, unlike a lot of people. I guess that’s something. Or so someone would eventually tell me if I didn’t stop bitching about all of this.

I do work with some interesting people, I can’t neglect to mention that. Well, one person in specific. One of the first things my coworker said to me as he placed a box onto the conveyor belt was “Yeah, see these boxes? Most of these have bras in them, and panties. ” Why he felt compelled to share that with me in such an excited manner, I’m not sure. . . but I didn’t feel very good about it.

Later, he would assure me that if I was hot, I could take my shirt off. “You can take your shirt off if you want!”
You can take your shirt off if you want!”
“You can take your shirt off if you want…”
“Yeah, man, I’m not that hot. Thanks.”
Jesus!, I thought. It would take some sort of sick pervert to want to see my saggy bitchtits. No gay man I know would want any part of this.

Oh, and those arrows that point right side up…the FRAGILE warning printed in huge black letters? Don’t mean shit. If they mean anything at all, they must have two different definitions. In your house, it means that you should scoot the box carefully across your floor, right side up, and then delicately open the top with a pair of scissors, hoping not to break anything. In the warehouse, it apparently means “this box is too big and I’m going to roll it over and over continuously until it falls off of the truck.” Fragile is a foreign word to your every day package handler, and there is no such thing as right side up. Just use lots of bubble wrap this Christmas, that’s all I’m saying.

3 Responses to “Heigh Ho”

  1. Matt Says:

    After dealing with countless fedex claims at work where packages have been damaged, I can attest to the shitty nature in which the packages are handled. But its to be expected.

    Good to see you’re working and making booze money.

  2. Jonathan Says:

    Perhaps you will be lucky enough to get on a doomed FedEx plane and end up on a deserted desert island. You can always hope…

  3. Drew Says:


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