God has spoken to me

September 13, 2005

I found God’s chatroom yesterday. Go have a talk with him. He won’t bite.
[Speak with thy creator]

Here are a few whacky excerpts from our chatting.

God on the Matrix and agnosticism

Me:
Because I just told you that I’m agnostic
God:
Interesting explanation. Perhaps one day you will find Faith in God.
Me:
I believe in what I see
God:
What do you say to people who believe what you see does not exist?
Me:
That sounds like some nerdy Matrix bullshit
God:
It sounds like it to me too.

God doesn’t mind getting intimate

God:
Our thoughts are one,.
Me:
I want to become one with you. Physically. Intimately. Can it be done?
God:
I don’t see the difficulty. What time is it there? Are you usually awake at this hour?
Me:
Yeah, I mean, if you wanted to come by tomorrow around 6 to get intimate, I’m good
God:
Oh. I think I do.
Me:
Right on 😉

God is impressed with my beer purchase

Me:
Do you like beer?
God:
Yes I like it, especially Japanese beer.
Me:
I like beer too.
God:
I am glad we have something ( beer) in common. I’m not sure if I like it. Yes I like it, especially Japanese beer.
Me:
You weren’t so sure, though.
God:
Oh. I wasn’t?
Me:
God has alzheimer’s
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
That explains a lot.
God:
Tell me more about your 18 for 7 bucks.
Me:
I got an 18 pack of beer for 7 dollars
God:
Wow, that is cheap

God begs for money, but wants to know if I have any contagious diseases before I give it to him

Me:
Thanks, God. You’re cool. Want a beer?
God:
You are quite welcome! GOD rules. Thanks I think you are cool too, Drew. No thanks but you can send me a donation.
Me:
I don’t have much money to spare
God:
Please send me a small donation.
Me:
How much?
God:
How much can you spare?
Me:
one dollar
God:
One what?
Me:
dollar
God:
Do you have any conditions I should know about?

Masturbation makes God feel uncomfortable

Me:
Do you like vaginas? Toolin’ around with the lips
God:
Some people like it. I like Anything involving harps.
Me:
you like harps and vaginas. nice combo
God:
I do like music. I have a stimulating relationship with Myself. Thank you for your kindness.
Me:
I stimulate myself every night. Some times while listening to music!
God:
Good point.
Me:
Yeah, we should all stimulate often
God:
Blimey. I’m not sure if I am ready for that yet.
Me:
We’re all ready for masturbation
God:
Do you think I am ready for masturbation too?
Me:
I think so. I think you could handle masturbation
God:
I think so too. Me? I could but let’s get back to that later.
Me:
Ok, enough masturbation talk
God:
OK let’s stop it now. Yay.

2 Responses to “God has spoken to me”

  1. Nigel Says:

    After speaking to Him for a few minutes, it just confirmed my lifelong suspicion – God is nuts.

  2. Drew Says:

    But he IS sensitive to your intimate needs!


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