Return of the Love Bugs

September 12, 2005

I have previously lamented the fall invasion of the Plecia nearctica Hardy, or “love bug,” or “march fly,” or “two bugs fucking.” Well, it turns out last year’s affair was a relatively quiet one in comparison to the raucous party these beasts are throwing this time around. They’re having huge orgies on my porch; they’re pressed against the doors, these little fornicators, and it is impossible to avoid them. Walking into my back yard at this point means that I will be pulled into their den of ill repute, and so I refuse to do so. Not only that, but vehicles in the area are being splattered with their love juices, which apparently ruins paint jobs:

Wikipedia says,
Its character as a public nuisance is due not to its bite or sting (as it is not capable of either) but to its apparently highly acidic body chemistry. Because airborne mating love bugs are drawn in enormous numbers to roadways, they die in enormous numbers on automobile windshields, hoods, and radiator grills. If left for more than an hour or two, the remains become dried and extremely difficult to remove, and their acidity pits and etches the paint and chrome. Scrubbing deceased love bugs off the front of one’s car immediately after the evening rush hour is a twice-yearly ritual for commuters in the Gulf South.

These things are a menace. They have no natural predator to attack them except my self, so I hereby petition the United States government to create an animal or insect that awakens once a year to feed off of love bugs. Once it has finished devouring these disgusting insects, it will return to its den to continue hibernation. This animal or insect should be unleashed upon the southern Gulf region, and we shall cross our fingers and hope that it does not mutate into some sort of flesh devourering monster in the years to come. Even then, so long as it is attacking love bugs as well as humans, I think I will remain appreciative.

2 Responses to “Return of the Love Bugs”

  1. Matt Says:

    What the hell? Those things are crazy. I’m quite glad we don’t get those up here. I remember a couple of years back when we had a huge influx of ladybugs and that was bad enough.

  2. DBW Says:

    Why must you continue to talk about stuff that I could turn around and make fun of you with? Sometimes you make it to easy.

    I suppose I must feel lucky since I dont have to walk outside and get a face full of bug sperm. The worst we get is grunion – a few times a year thousands and thousands of fish will wash up on our beaches and make hot fishy love in the sand… even though sand gets into the most awkward of places. Theyll do this for a few hours, or until theyre snatched up to be cooked by one of the hundreds of people perverted enough to watch.
    I went to Google to look for a picture of the grunion mating and I came across this very disturbing picture:
    “Hey kids, poke your heads through the hole and let me take a picture of you while you pretend to be having sex.”

    On the bug front, once in a while well get taken over by painted lady butterflies. Thankfully, they do it behind closed doors.

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