Checking up on the scourge of our society

September 9, 2005

In these dark, challenging times, Americans need their heroes. They need stars to brighten their lives and to guide them on their paths. And so I’ve taken it upon myself to get the scoop on a few of our favorite celebrities.

On Tuesday, Bob Denver (Gilligan), the star of the popular show Gilligan’s Island, died at the age of 70. Suprisingly, Bob died of a heart failure rather than the self-induced gunshot wound to the head we all anticipated upon the airing of The Real Gillian’s Island. I know I’m not the only one who lost a little money on that bet. Rest in peace, Gilligan, and let us all hope that your soul has not passed on to any form of limbo, as it’s quite apparent that you would never, ever find your way out of it.

Britney Spears’ gaping vagina will soon resemble a blown tire, as the singer is reportedly due to give birth in a matter of weeks. The pop star stated in People magazine that the experience is “mind-blowing” and “therapeutic.” After all, what could be more therapeutic than bringing another child into a world full of this:


And what a well adjusted little thing that is going to be! The birth of the child will take place on the new reality television show titled BRITNEY AND KEVIN: CHAOTIC. Apparently, the producers decided on the less offensive “Chaotic” after Britney complained about the original title, BRITNEY AND KEVIN: ABORT OUR FETUS.

This week, Oprah, Sean Penn, and Harry Connick Jr. were all seen aiding flood victims in New Orleans. The celebrities have decided to right the abysmal response of the government by diving into the toxic waters of New Orleans and ferrying survivors to safety with their very own inflated egos. As New Orleans is nearly abandonded, the remaining poor are now in urgent need of these rich twats to patronize and traipse about with their parasitic troops of paparazzi. Geraldo, please send help!

Kanye West is still a giant, vein riddled prick.

Kanye West said he would stick to entertainment at this week’s NFL opening kickoff concert.
“I don’t want to detract from the show at all, because it’s entertainment, and a lot of times, in a time of need, we need entertainment to lift people’s spirits,” the rapper said

Yes, that is what the world needs, Kanye. The vicious wounds that it has sustained can only be cleansed with the Neosporin that is your horrible music. Let us hope that you, too, travel to New Orleans, only to be sucked through a drain pipe and into the fetid waters now known as Lake Pontchartrain. And may it all happen before you become a washed up target for VH-1 comedians. Time is ticking, Kanye, as the flood waters are receding rapidly!

Paris Hilton, in a misguided attempt to salvage what’s left of her reputation, has been quoted this week as saying she is “not sexual.”

“I’m sexual in pictures and the way I dress and my whole image. But at home I’m really not like that.”
“All of my ex-boyfriends [would be like], ‘What’s the matter with you? You’re so not sexual.'”

Paris noted that her fans should keep that in mind as they’re watching her deep throat the entire New England Patriots football team in her new release known as A Night In the Locker Room. “She is so not sexual,” said Tom Brady.

That’s all for now. I will have to cut this short, as I feel that my brain may hemmorage at any moment due to prolonged exposure to the Entertainment Tonight website. God save us all, and good night.

3 Responses to “Checking up on the scourge of our society”

  1. Mark Says:


    That’s helped put an end to a shit week.

  2. Matt Says:

    Hey, I like the Real Gilligan’s Island! but then again, I’m a reality tv whore.

  3. […] Paris vs Matt Frei 07Jun07 I like Matt Frei’s take on things. If I had the energy or want, perhaps I could write something as articulate and straight forward, expressing my hatred for people like Paris Hilton. (Well, I guess there’s this.) […]

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