Is it possible that John Ashcroft emerged from his slimey cocoon of a body some time near the end of his term newly evolved into a latino with an intense hatred of porn? Could this be his metamorphisis?

[NPR : Federal Government Renews Effort to Curb Porn] Call my mind blown. Right wing whacko Alberto Gonzalez (hand picked by one George W Bush) wants to regulate what we watch in the privacy of our own homes. He says porn is obscene and has ordered the FBI to create Porn Squads to nip pornography in the bud. I’m waiting for the day they create a taskforce to ensure that all men sit down to urinate. That will be money well spent, now won’t it? No droplets on the porcelain: Fuhrer Gonzalez demands it. We all know a clean toilet would be much better than, say, preventing terrorism in our country.

I find it so ironic that these same people who so readily take freedoms away are the same who ask that war is waged in the name of freedom. I thought these kind of moral laws were a thing of the past. I thought we had matured as a country since the days of alcohol prohibition, the banning of the feared Devil Juice. Who are these sad bastards that are spinning our wheel of progress backwards? I suppose the real question is, how is some lonely man watching Jenna Jameson diddle her twat going to effect any one else in such a manner that the government is forced to step in? He’s not taking a life here, he is not stealing someone’s posessions, he is cranking one out to a woman who is gladly displaying her vagina like a dinner table centerpiece. These are two consenting people enjoying themselves and it effects no one else, except for these uptight religious pricks who choose to involve themselves in it.

Comedies like American Pie, 40 Year Old Virgin, or The Aristrocrats, where sex and/or vulgarity nearly compose the entire movie seem like prime targets for someone who feels that the public should be protected from itself. It sounds like the next logical step past pornography. And where exactly do you draw the line with “obscenity”? You may keep your freedom of speech until your speech is found distasteful to a handful of ears. Isn’t that what we’re hearing?

New Elliott Smith tracks

September 22, 2005

Call me a happy man, for tonight when I’m rolling about my room in a drunken misery of sorts, I will have new Elliott Smith songs to listen to. It’s depressing enough when one of your favorite musician dies, but even more so once you find that you’ve exhausted all of his work. You’re left scrambling for whatever outtakes or bootlegs you can find… anything that you might not have heard before. Usually you end up with some low quality recording from some live set, and you are forced to accept it gratefully.

I had no idea Elliott Smith did any studio recordings of these two particular songs and that was a really pleasant surprise. The songs are off of some movie soundtrack called Thumbsucker and both are covers – “Thirteen” by Big Star and “Trouble” by Cat Stevens. Trouble is probably my favorite Cat Stevens song, so when I heard that Elliott covered it I nearly pissed myself. Both songs are great, as expected. I also read that he did a cover of Hey Jude. I need to get my hands on that, if it exists.

Now if Elliott could put out another 5 albums like Tupac Shakur…

elliottsmith2.jpg

1976 GMC Vandura Lark

September 17, 2005

DRIVES GREAT!!

My blood boils when I see an auction like this reach 17 hours left with only $1,600 down.

I imagine it as my first “car.” When I flee to Mexico, it will shield me, but it will also serve as a transportation device to and from Publix for beer. I would cry joyful tears if this were my first vehicle, with its 70’s oven and its “KIDS BED ABOVE THE KITCHEN TABLE OR JUST A NICE STORAGE AREA.” I would sob and thank the gods if I could only afford it.

Alas, I won’t be going to Mexico or even Publix to get my beer, not without walking 4 miles across interstate 85; the life vein/sewage pipe of this fair city.

I don’t like traversing this city at a high speed, when it is a blur, let alone at a steady pace where I can devour it as a whole. That would cause me to vomit. Continuously. I’ve done it plenty and have exhausted my inner resources. I rely only on the mercy of others for my transportation, and that’s how it’ll be…for now.

Windows Vista

September 15, 2005

Anybody remember the movie Hackers? You know, that movie with Angelina Jolie’s boobs? It also had Lord Nikon and that Cookie Monster virus. Remember what it looked like to hack into the “Gibson”? There were these huge, green, glowing 3D highrise-like “data folders” that would blink when accessed. It was beautiful, if you were a 12 year old geek. At that impressionable age, the sound of the keyboard being tapped, Angelina Jolie’s boobs, and those 3D images made me want to be a hacker…so long as I could careen through digital streets that would require little to no coding know-how (who the hell would want to do that?) Needless to say, to this day my computer knowledge does not extend past building a webpage or finding porn, music, or movies. I’m quite comfortable with that.

Anyway, Windows Vista looks like they’re headed in that direction. The direction where everything looks fucking cool, the Hackers direction, except it is user friendly and… without hacking. It looks awesome, at least to a nerd like myself.

Look at this, for example.

windows-vista-large.jpg

There’s more images and a review of the beta here.

Today Bush graduates from pee-pee dance to pee-pee notes. I’m willing to bet this is the only relevant note he made at the summit, aside from the doodles of elephants and giraffes playing frisbee.

bathroombush.gif

Fantastic how he ends it with a question mark, like he needs Condoleeza’s reassurance.

Man, I’m bored. This U.N. sure is complicated. I wonder what the fish are up to down in Crawford.
Then comes an awkward shift in the seat, a flexing of the buttocks. A rumble in the colon. A heightened pulse, sweating, biting of the lip. If I have another accident, Condi will get angry. I better ask her. She’ll know what to do.

George then scribbles a note to momma Condoleeza, who in turn notifies the Secret Service so that they can escort him to the bathroom and make sure he doesn’t choke on any random objects he might pick up on his way there. “Make sure he washes his hands this time. And no playing with the dryer, George! Guys – if you leave him there he’ll be pushing that button for days!”

The first note, which was interrupted with daydreams of playful animals and had to be discarded:

giraffe-frisbee.jpg

God has spoken to me

September 13, 2005

I found God’s chatroom yesterday. Go have a talk with him. He won’t bite.
[Speak with thy creator]

Here are a few whacky excerpts from our chatting.

God on the Matrix and agnosticism

Me:
Because I just told you that I’m agnostic
God:
Interesting explanation. Perhaps one day you will find Faith in God.
Me:
I believe in what I see
God:
What do you say to people who believe what you see does not exist?
Me:
That sounds like some nerdy Matrix bullshit
God:
It sounds like it to me too.

God doesn’t mind getting intimate

God:
Our thoughts are one,.
Me:
I want to become one with you. Physically. Intimately. Can it be done?
God:
I don’t see the difficulty. What time is it there? Are you usually awake at this hour?
Me:
Yeah, I mean, if you wanted to come by tomorrow around 6 to get intimate, I’m good
God:
Oh. I think I do.
Me:
Right on 😉

God is impressed with my beer purchase

Me:
Do you like beer?
God:
Yes I like it, especially Japanese beer.
Me:
I like beer too.
God:
I am glad we have something ( beer) in common. I’m not sure if I like it. Yes I like it, especially Japanese beer.
Me:
You weren’t so sure, though.
God:
Oh. I wasn’t?
Me:
God has alzheimer’s
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
That explains a lot.
God:
Tell me more about your 18 for 7 bucks.
Me:
I got an 18 pack of beer for 7 dollars
God:
Wow, that is cheap

God begs for money, but wants to know if I have any contagious diseases before I give it to him

Me:
Thanks, God. You’re cool. Want a beer?
God:
You are quite welcome! GOD rules. Thanks I think you are cool too, Drew. No thanks but you can send me a donation.
Me:
I don’t have much money to spare
God:
Please send me a small donation.
Me:
How much?
God:
How much can you spare?
Me:
one dollar
God:
One what?
Me:
dollar
God:
Do you have any conditions I should know about?

Masturbation makes God feel uncomfortable

Me:
Do you like vaginas? Toolin’ around with the lips
God:
Some people like it. I like Anything involving harps.
Me:
you like harps and vaginas. nice combo
God:
I do like music. I have a stimulating relationship with Myself. Thank you for your kindness.
Me:
I stimulate myself every night. Some times while listening to music!
God:
Good point.
Me:
Yeah, we should all stimulate often
God:
Blimey. I’m not sure if I am ready for that yet.
Me:
We’re all ready for masturbation
God:
Do you think I am ready for masturbation too?
Me:
I think so. I think you could handle masturbation
God:
I think so too. Me? I could but let’s get back to that later.
Me:
Ok, enough masturbation talk
God:
OK let’s stop it now. Yay.

Return of the Love Bugs

September 12, 2005

I have previously lamented the fall invasion of the Plecia nearctica Hardy, or “love bug,” or “march fly,” or “two bugs fucking.” Well, it turns out last year’s affair was a relatively quiet one in comparison to the raucous party these beasts are throwing this time around. They’re having huge orgies on my porch; they’re pressed against the doors, these little fornicators, and it is impossible to avoid them. Walking into my back yard at this point means that I will be pulled into their den of ill repute, and so I refuse to do so. Not only that, but vehicles in the area are being splattered with their love juices, which apparently ruins paint jobs:

Wikipedia says,
Its character as a public nuisance is due not to its bite or sting (as it is not capable of either) but to its apparently highly acidic body chemistry. Because airborne mating love bugs are drawn in enormous numbers to roadways, they die in enormous numbers on automobile windshields, hoods, and radiator grills. If left for more than an hour or two, the remains become dried and extremely difficult to remove, and their acidity pits and etches the paint and chrome. Scrubbing deceased love bugs off the front of one’s car immediately after the evening rush hour is a twice-yearly ritual for commuters in the Gulf South.

These things are a menace. They have no natural predator to attack them except my self, so I hereby petition the United States government to create an animal or insect that awakens once a year to feed off of love bugs. Once it has finished devouring these disgusting insects, it will return to its den to continue hibernation. This animal or insect should be unleashed upon the southern Gulf region, and we shall cross our fingers and hope that it does not mutate into some sort of flesh devourering monster in the years to come. Even then, so long as it is attacking love bugs as well as humans, I think I will remain appreciative.

In these dark, challenging times, Americans need their heroes. They need stars to brighten their lives and to guide them on their paths. And so I’ve taken it upon myself to get the scoop on a few of our favorite celebrities.

On Tuesday, Bob Denver (Gilligan), the star of the popular show Gilligan’s Island, died at the age of 70. Suprisingly, Bob died of a heart failure rather than the self-induced gunshot wound to the head we all anticipated upon the airing of The Real Gillian’s Island. I know I’m not the only one who lost a little money on that bet. Rest in peace, Gilligan, and let us all hope that your soul has not passed on to any form of limbo, as it’s quite apparent that you would never, ever find your way out of it.

Britney Spears’ gaping vagina will soon resemble a blown tire, as the singer is reportedly due to give birth in a matter of weeks. The pop star stated in People magazine that the experience is “mind-blowing” and “therapeutic.” After all, what could be more therapeutic than bringing another child into a world full of this:

britneykiss.jpg

And what a well adjusted little thing that is going to be! The birth of the child will take place on the new reality television show titled BRITNEY AND KEVIN: CHAOTIC. Apparently, the producers decided on the less offensive “Chaotic” after Britney complained about the original title, BRITNEY AND KEVIN: ABORT OUR FETUS.

This week, Oprah, Sean Penn, and Harry Connick Jr. were all seen aiding flood victims in New Orleans. The celebrities have decided to right the abysmal response of the government by diving into the toxic waters of New Orleans and ferrying survivors to safety with their very own inflated egos. As New Orleans is nearly abandonded, the remaining poor are now in urgent need of these rich twats to patronize and traipse about with their parasitic troops of paparazzi. Geraldo, please send help!

Kanye West is still a giant, vein riddled prick.

Kanye West said he would stick to entertainment at this week’s NFL opening kickoff concert.
“I don’t want to detract from the show at all, because it’s entertainment, and a lot of times, in a time of need, we need entertainment to lift people’s spirits,” the rapper said

Yes, that is what the world needs, Kanye. The vicious wounds that it has sustained can only be cleansed with the Neosporin that is your horrible music. Let us hope that you, too, travel to New Orleans, only to be sucked through a drain pipe and into the fetid waters now known as Lake Pontchartrain. And may it all happen before you become a washed up target for VH-1 comedians. Time is ticking, Kanye, as the flood waters are receding rapidly!

Paris Hilton, in a misguided attempt to salvage what’s left of her reputation, has been quoted this week as saying she is “not sexual.”

“I’m sexual in pictures and the way I dress and my whole image. But at home I’m really not like that.”
“All of my ex-boyfriends [would be like], ‘What’s the matter with you? You’re so not sexual.'”

Paris noted that her fans should keep that in mind as they’re watching her deep throat the entire New England Patriots football team in her new release known as A Night In the Locker Room. “She is so not sexual,” said Tom Brady.

That’s all for now. I will have to cut this short, as I feel that my brain may hemmorage at any moment due to prolonged exposure to the Entertainment Tonight website. God save us all, and good night.

Waging Jihad on my penis

September 6, 2005

Raise the threat level to Red and update your anti-virus programs at once, for the terrorists are now attacking our libido! While 9/11 did not see my joining of the marines or army, things may have just changed. I, myself, may have to take up arms. These blackguards are officially trying to spread their values like a virus, which could quite possibly keep all of us impotent. This is far more serious than any talk of chemical weapons or subway bombs. I fear that Osama himself might be behind this one. Man your battle stations! Raise the flag! THIS IS WAR!

Koran-Quoting Trojan Blocks Access To Porn Sites

A new Trojan monitors access to porn sites and then displays a quote from the Koran chastising the surfer for his or her sins, a security vendor said Tuesday.

Once it’s installed, Yusufali.a — called “Cager.a” by Trend Micro — watches which sites Windows users visit by examining the browser’s title bar. If the Trojan sees a word in its list — such as “teen,” “xx,” “sex,” or “penis” — it minimizes the window and displays a quote from the Koran.

“Yusufali: Know, therefore, that there is no god but Allah, and ask forgiveness for they fault, and for the men and women who believe: for Allah knows how ye move about and how ye dwell in your homes.”

“This Trojan isn’t trying to steal money or confidential information, but acting as a moral guardian instead, blocking viewing of sites it determines are unsavory,” said Graham Cluley, senior technology consultant for Sophos, in a statement. ” “This may have been written as a joke, or as a serious attempt to clean-up the habits of Internet users.”

Eventually the Koran quote is replaced by a “For Exit Click Here” button. Once the user moves the mouse, however, the box changes to show three buttons — LogOff, ShutDown, and Restart — all of which when clicked log off the current user. The mouse cannot be moved outside the buttons’ box.

That box shows the text “OH! NO i’m in the Cage,” hence the moniker Cager.a by anti-virus vendor Trend Micro.

Some how Fox News was added back onto my TV (surely by accident), and I see that they’re now doing their best to downplay Bush’s failure to help the Katrina victims in an expeditious manner, claiming that he did everything he could. They say that he was ready two days in advance, that he called in plenty of supplies and aid to the area, but the supplies couldn’t get through due to looters or flooding. Shift the blame when all else fails, point the finger wildly in any direction that might offer an excuse, ah yes. Nicely done, Fox. It’s the flood waters, it’s the homeless and inept police officers, it’s the barbarian poor ravaging each other. I don’t expect New Orleans to be fixed in a day and what happened doesn’t surprise me. It would be tough to help all of those people. But it’s just like Fox to viciously defend their dunce instead of focus on other worthwhile news. Hey, maybe you’ll fool the handful of moron conservatives that still watch your shitty channel. Have at it.

cod.jpgSpeaking of New Orleans and dunces, a few days ago I found A Confederacy of Dunces in my mailbox. Since then I’ve torn halfway through its 462 pages. Something about the main character, Ignatius Reilly, seems really familiar, but I don’t know why. Maybe the book has just had an influence on other characters in movies or TV shows. Maybe some of it is just too personally familiar. My “valve” also acts up, not to mention I’m one hard core hermit with an immense hate for society, facing employment difficulties and adjustment problems. I’m just not as interesting.

I do recommend the book, either way. It’s funny, maybe slightly depressing in areas, but anything that accurately represents any portion of life sort of has to be depressing, now doesn’t it? The picture it paints of this character and the environment around him (the now flooded New Orleans) is just really interesting. When I get books like this I don’t fuck around, I just soar through them. That’s what a classic is to me, it’s something I cannot put down. I’ve had it for less than a week and I’m almost done with it. The same thing happened with Rum Diary; that one didn’t even last a week.

If you’ve seen the movie Sideways, you might remember the scene where they mention Confederacy of Dunces. Miles is depressed because he thinks his book will never be published. “You can’t kill yourself before you’re even published,” he said. His friend reassured him by telling him that it has indeed happened: just look at Confederacy of Dunces. Which is true, John Kennedy Toole killed himself at the age of 32, about 11 years before his book was finally published. He turned on the car in his garage, pulled the hose connected to his exhaust pipe in through his window and asphyxiated on the fumes. His mother was relentless about getting his book published, which is the only reason it is even in print. More at Wikipedia [link].

Boo hoo

September 3, 2005

Kanye West whined on TV last night about how the people in New Orleans are being jipped because they’re black. I’m a libertarian through and through and hate George W Bush as much as he does, but I wish he would know when to shut up. Of course, what do you expect from another Hollywood fundraiser? It’s more about them and their lip-syncing performances than it is about the people they’re supposedly helping.

West and Mike Myers had been paired up to appear about halfway through the show. Their assignment: Take turns reading a script describing the breach in the levees around New Orleans.

Myers: The landscape of the city has changed dramatically, tragically and perhaps irreversibly. There is now over 25 feet of water where there was once city streets and thriving neighborhoods.

(Myers throws to West, who looked extremely nervous in his super-preppy designer rugby shirt and white pants, which is not like the arrogant West and which, in retrospect, should have been a tip-off.)

West: I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, “They’re looting.” You see a white family, it says, “They’re looking for food.” And, you know, it’s been five days [waiting for federal help] because most of the people are black. And even for me to complain about it, I would be a hypocrite because I’ve tried to turn away from the TV because it’s too hard to watch. I’ve even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I’m calling my business manager right now to see what is the biggest amount I can give, and just to imagine if I was down there, and those are my people down there. So anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help — with the way America is set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible. I mean, the Red Cross is doing everything they can. We already realize a lot of people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way — and they’ve given them permission to go down and shoot us!

(West throws back to Myers, who is looking like a guy who stopped on the tarmac to tie his shoe and got hit in the back with the 8:30 to La Guardia.)

Nevermind any of the other people who drowned or died from lack of medical care – poor people don’t matter unless the poor people are black. Because then you have something to bitch about, right? Whites or hispanics don’t matter to assholes like Kanye West because he has some whacky agenda and a 200 year old chip on his shoulder.

In other very closely related news, Genes of Humans and Chimps 96 Percent the Same. Really, what might have given us away?

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts, September 2, 2005 (ENS) – The first comprehensive comparison of the genetic blueprints of humans and chimpanzees shows that the DNA sequence of the two species is 96 percent identical, an international research consortium reported Thursday. The comparison is based on the first sequencing and assembly of the chimpanzee genome just completed by researchers from the United States, Israel, Italy, Germany and Spain.

Praise be

September 1, 2005

First Katrina, now this.

As you may know, I’m a huge fan of organized religion. I love everything about it. All of the silly rules that lead to silly fights and silly stampedes that kill thousands of innocent people – it’s great! Most of all, I love the way God rewards his faithful. He abandons them.

The real question is, how many virgins do you receive in heaven after being trampled by your neighbors?

Everything about this makes me ill.

A day after a deadly stampede killed at least 965 people participating in a religious procession, Iraqis struggled today to cope with the loss.

The victims, mostly Shiite Muslims, were killed while crossing a bridge over the Tigris River when tens of thousands of pilgrims were squeezed by security barriers and panicked by false rumors of an impending suicide attack.

Even for a society hardened by daily bloodshed and decades of oppression, the scale of the disaster was overwhelming, both emotionally and logistically.

Mosques ran short of wooden coffins. Gravediggers in the holy city of Najaf, a preferred burial site for Iraq’s Shiites, worked without breaks.

The great irony being that no suicide bomber in Baghdad could ever hope to kill 965 people…
ugh.