It’s a news post!

August 10, 2005

I don’t necessarily like the idea of suing someone, or a party, or whatever, unless it is absolutely necessary. It seems like something that sparked up in America and should have died down long ago. You kicked my hyperactive child while I was walking him on his leash at the park? SUED! You didn’t bother to tell me my coffee was hot after you handed me the styrofoam coffee cup with “HOT HOT HOT” printed all over it and I burned my genitalia? SUED! However, Microsoft sued someone recently and I sort of…I sort of enjoyed it!

SEATTLE (Reuters) – Microsoft Corp. has settled a lawsuit against Scott Richter, whom it identified as a former “spam king,” as part of its ongoing efforts to curb the spread of unsolicited e-mail messages, the world’s largest software maker said on Tuesday.

Microsoft said that as part of the settlement Richter and his company, Llc., agreed to pay $7 million to Microsoft.

Finally, Microsoft does something just about everyone can agree is good.

Also in the news: somebody has actually done it. I had my eye on it for a while, but decided it wasn’t worth the plane ticket. A bank containing $68 million in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil was robbed. These sophisticated sons o’ bitches tunneled under the bank and stole the money, like something out of a movie. In fact, the local police-guy agreed, it was rather Hollywood:

“It’s something you see in the movies. They dug a tunnel … that goes underneath two (city) blocks. They’ve been digging for three months,” police investigator Francisco Queiroga told Reuters by telephone.”

As that dick-comedian Dane Cook once said in some form or another, one of the few things men want aside from sex is to participate in a heist, Heat style. You know you wish you were a part of that shit in Rio, just for the kicks. The money takes a back seat to feeling like a super bad ass who robbed a bank. You could actually say, “I robbed a bank,” and there’s nothing worth more than that.

Since I’m making this a big news posts, I’ll also point out that there’s some weird fucker in Oregon – a coach, in fact – that has been caught licking wounds on the bodies of the high school atheletes he was instructing. He told them, in some sort of disgusting pep talk, that a coach somewhere licked someone’s wounds and the wounds healed quickly. Then he began licking. Well, sounds convicing to me!

PORTLAND, Ore. (Reuters) – The Oregon teachers’ board reprimanded a high school football coach for licking the bleeding wounds of student athletes, school officials said on Friday.

The Oregon Teacher Standards and Practices Commission placed Scott Reed, 34, on two years of probation and ordered the coach, who is also a science teacher to attend a class on the risks of blood-borne pathogens.

Last summer, Reed gave students at Central Linn High School near Eugene, Oregon, 100 miles south of Portland, a pep talk about a coach who had licked and healed players’ wounds so that they could rejoin the game. After the talk, he bent down and licked a cut on a track athlete’s knee, the commission said.

Mars inc, or whoever, are coming out with hujungous M&M’s. They claim that their huge candies will not further childhood obesity, because they are using adult color coatings. I have no idea what colors are considered adult, and know of no fat child that would turn down any color, if the color contained peanut, chocolate, and sugar inside of it. I damn well know that when I was 10, I was scarfing those things down like Rush Limbaugh was scarfing Oxycontin, and they helped not one bit. 2x cannot be good.

“It broadens our portfolio so there’s something for everyone,” Buyce said.

The new M&M’s are available in milk chocolate and peanut varieties and come with an “adult-oriented” color scheme that includes teal, beige, maroon, gold, brown and blue-gray.

The BBC reports that cheerleaders in Michigan helped solve a crime by reciting a cheer. The cheer leader coach knew she would not remember the number on the license plate of the car that ran from a wreck, so she told her team of idiot savants, who then created a cheer – because it seemed like a good idea. This reminds me of that raver guy in Spaced who would dance to any combination of thumps or clanks. According to the news:

“So, when I ran down the street and got the plate number, I yelled to the girls: ‘Remember this’!”

Senior team captain, Kimmie Ostrowski, recalled: “The coach just said it and we were saying it over and over, and then it just turned into a big chant since we kept repeating it.”

And uh, I think that’s it. It’s a wonderful, crazy world. If Louis Armstrong’s decaying bones were here, they would attempt to sing “What a wonderful world” and they would fail horribly, because his bones would not contain any form of voice box or vocal chords. Just so you know.


3 Responses to “It’s a news post!”

  1. DBW Says:

    “I damn well know that when I was 10, I was scarfing those things down like Rush Limbaugh was scarfing Oxycontin…” Well, at least you havent changed that much.

    And a note about the bank robbery: “The crime was remarkably similar to a tunnel heist last year in which more than $1 million was stolen from a Sao Paulo company that transports money for banks. The suspected mastermind of that caper, convicted bank robber Moises Teixeira da Silva, had escaped from prison three years earlier… by digging a tunnel.” Brazil, land of the tunnel rats.

  2. Drew Says:

    Hey, I don’t eat very many M&M’s as of late because they’re entirely too addicting and they sort of counter-act the whole attempt at “working out.” Unless you were talking about Oxycontin, which I WOULD be gobbling if I had in my possession

  3. Ted Says:

    On a similiar note, I just watched ten minutes of Rollerball because it was on TV. I switched channels because I found the afternoon infomercials more entertaining. It was a sad sad moment for Hollywood…

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