A three hour tour, a three hour tour…
If that were me, I would use it as a Viking vessel, rowing from storefront to storefront to pillage and raid. I would recruit other Styrofoam vikings and create a vast Styrofoam Viking Armada, and we would rule the flooded city that is New Orleans. With our speedy flotation devices and umbrella oars, we could strike anywhere at any time. Prepare yourself, Coast Guard!


God, I’m an asshole.

Whores invade high school

August 25, 2005

In other news, cheap sex is available in Canton, Ohio.

CANTON, Ohio — Shocking school administrators and others community members, fully 13 percent of the female students at an Ohio high school currently are pregnant.

According to a report in the Canton Repository, 65 girls of the 490 females at Timken High School are with child – a number confirmed by Principal Kim Redmond.

“This has gotten to horrible proportions,” said Redmond. “I wish I knew the answer to why it’s happening.”

The irony of this entire thing is that they are the Timken High Trojans. But seriously, who is surprised by this? This is America, home of the vain, where fake tits and nose jobs dominate the landscape. It’s what we live for, to look good & make money. Do you want to know why there are 65 pregnant girls at your daughter’s highschool? Because they’re whores! While your daughter is at home getting finger fucked by Bobby the Quarterback and flipping through Seventeen Magazine for tips on better blowjobs, you’re at the PTA meeting trying to figure out what’s gone wrong…and it’s really not that complicated. Our culture is shit. Look at Sex In the City: 90% of the females in this country identify with that show and it’s about a bunch of narcissistic women sipping cappucinos, discussing the new shoes they bought at Barney’s and the new penis-with-legs they fucked last night. I don’t know why anybody is trying to get to the bottom of it. Your little girls are skanky cretins living in a morally bankrupt society.

I hate computers. I’ve been forced to learn things about them over the years out of necessity (I can now put one together, for instance), and I think that has caused me to hate them even more. I’m constantly using one for music, communication, or blowing shit up in video games, but I still can’t quite convince myself that they’re worth the time or effort. I think I’ll just run this one into the dirt before I think about shelling out the cash for another. Even then I might decide to just strip myself naked and run out into a forest somewhere to live off of rabbit meat. What a pain in the ass these things are.

Long story short, I had two hard drives in my PC die. I didn’t lose that much music or digital pictures because I back things up religiously, but good god, I don’t like dealing with this crap. I asked around and was told that it might be the drives overheating, so I got a program to look at my temperatures. What do you know, my hard drive is running at 66C or 150 FUCKING DEGREES (scientific measurement). The reason being that I have no extra fans in my computer. I was trying to get by like the cheap bastard I am, and I failed.

NewEgg.com sent the two huge fans I ordered pretty quickly, but to actually get them into my computer today I had to basically disassemble my entire case. Then I couldn’t get the screws in. Why should it take a motorized screwdriver and 25 pounds of pressure to screw a piece of metal into god damn plastic? How is that neccessary? It’s made in China, for crying out loud! I finally got them in there – one sucking in, the other pushing out. The result? The temp had gone down a whole 10 degrees – if that. Now I want to kill somebody. I think I’ll end up taking this drill to my head to give myself a proper lobotomy. Either that, or I’ll end up punching a bunch of holes into the side of this desk to get more air in there.

Should it be this complicated? No, but I don’t want all of my music to up and vanish one day because my pc is too hot, and that means I either have to deal with this shit or cram my room full of CDs. I’d have quite a few CDs to purchase if I abandonded my computer, which is why I’m so unwilling to do so. I wonder how many thousands of dollars that would run me, only for the man to turn around and make DVD-Audio widely available, forever nullifying my Compact Discs. This is why having an obsession, whether it be music or movies or anything else, is BAD.

I wish I could ween myself off of my love for these things and go live in a fucking Buddhist temple or something, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon. After all, how lost would my reincarnated soul be without its mp3 player? Talk about limbo.

I’ve had a couple of ideas for t-shirts over the years, but I’ve never really known of any way to go about bringing them to life. Well, thanks to the wonder of the internet, things have changed, and I have a creation. Sort of. I mean, it doesn’t physically exist, and the odds of anyone purchasing it are slim, but I had to see it done. I would buy my the shirt from myself, but I have no money.

I present to you: Save Hollywood Kill A Baldwin!
Click here for my shop

When I added my own images to the shirt, the price went through the roof (ink prices and what not?). I know that if anyone ever decides to buy this, no matter how unlikely, they are not going to pay $20 for it… so I opted not to use my better pistol and I used a stock image provided on their website. But the text is all mine, baby.

Hunter S. gets his wish

August 21, 2005

In the documentary Fear & Loathing In Gonzovision, Hunter S. Thompson explains that upon his death, he would like to be cremated and shot out of a 150 foot tall cannon brandishing a two-thumbed Gonzo fist. He is seen visiting a funeral parlour along with Ralph Steadman to make the drawings and plans, all in a very serious manner – and that was in 1978. The man clearly had a plan. (If you’re lucky enough to have the Criterion Collection version of Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, you can find the documentary in the extras.)

Well, yesterday he got his wish. He was blown sky-high along with some impressive looking fireworks. I do wish I was there, if not to just see the explosion and sip on a little bit of rum. Thompson picked a rather respectful way to go out, in my humble opinion. As I’ve said before, I find nothing wrong with choosing when and where you die. You should at least have that much control over your destiny. Thompson knew that. He also knew that there was no point in going on the way he was with his health problems, so he ended it. And then he had one hell of a funeral.

Such a perfect way to say goodbye; almost mocking the entire idea of life and death. Maybe even celebrating how fantasticly strange it all is. We come from dirt and back into the dirt we will go, but not without some explosions first. I wouldn’t mind something along those lines at my funeral. A cannon might be a bit grandiose for me, but I wouldn’t mind a parade of black men from New Orleans playing kazoos & throwing my ashes around in the air like so many Johnny Appleseeds. That would be ok. That would be my style. Or, maybe I could just get someone to clump me into a coffee can and throw me off of a cliff somewhere pretty. Dingle, Ireland was one of the more beautiful places I’ve ever seen, so that sounds pretty good to me.

Here’s some NPR coverage on the story [link]. Here’s the Gonzo tower:


Was flippin’ around and came across the Carolla show earlier. It was surprisingly good. He managed to point out two things that I think should be discussed further.

1. Dubya is right now, as I type this, on a 30 day vacation. What justification does the man have to take a vacation for 30 consecutive days? There are people out there working their asses off at shitty minimum wage jobs who are trying to support their families, who never get vacation time. Those who are lucky enough to get some time off may get a week or two, not an entire month. Bush takes nearly a year off when you tally up all of his vacation time. 320 fucking days. The man put in charge of the superpower in the world, the strongest country, the man who is supposed to lead us in these very turbulent times, is fishing somewhere in Texas right now. On top of that, his term is only 8 years out of his 59 year lifespan – why the hell does he need nearly a year of that time spent milling around his ranch in Texas? I don’t care if he’s doing phone conferences while he’s there. He shouldn’t have time to bike with Lance Armstrong and run around in his woods like the redneck he is. I’m all for him being out of office… but if it is his job, he could at least be up there trying to fix some of the shit he’s screwed up. While he’s vacationing, people are getting their guts blown out in Iraq.

The president departed Tuesday for his longest stretch yet away from the White House, arriving at his Crawford ranch in the evening for a stretch of clearing brush, visiting with family and friends, and tending to some outside-the-Beltway politics. By historical standards, it is the longest presidential retreat in at least 36 years.

The August getaway is Bush’s 49th trip to his cherished ranch since taking office and the 319th day that Bush has spent, entirely or partially, in Crawford — nearly 20 percent of his presidency to date, according to Mark Knoller, a CBS Radio reporter known for keeping better records of the president’s travel than the White House itself. Weekends and holidays at Camp David or at his parents’ compound in Kennebunkport, Maine, bump up the proportion of Bush’s time away from Washington even further.
Washing Post

2. Twist off beer caps vs. pull off beer caps. I had to agree with Carolla on that one too. Something should be changed about those god damn bottle caps. I wish I knew the official stance on the twist off cap by Europeans. Do they claim that it effects the beer some how? Is it too easy for them? Too American? Why should I need a tool to open a bottle of beer? Why should I be reduced to stumbling around my kitchen half drunk, in the dark, trying to find a bottle opener? I can’t imagine that there’s any difference at all in the freshness of the beer – get rid of those pull off’s already.

I enjoy news items about strange people, because they make me feel less abnormal. So here are a few of those.

First off is this link to a website filled with fetishy stories and haikus all about Roy Orbison being wrapped in cling film. I do not know the motivation for this website or why anyone would be interested in wrapping Roy Orbison in what I understand to be plastic wrap, but I find it very amusing.

‘I hear I owe you my life,’ he says. ‘Please accept these concert tickets.’

I bow politely. ‘There is something you perhaps should know. While you were in a coma I was forced to wrap you entirely in cling-film.’

Oh, internet. You sure are whacky. What could be whackier than that, you may ask. Well, this for one:

Police seek diaper-clad man who pesters women

LONDON (Reuters) – UK police said Monday they were searching for a man wearing just a diaper, who approaches women late at night and asks: “Are there any baby changing facilities around here?”

Cleveland police in northeast England said the latest incident occurred around 11 p.m. Sunday when he surprised a women[sic] walking her dog in a play area in Eaglescliffe, near Middlesbrough.

Police said no one had been assaulted by the man but described his behavior as bizarre and a cause for concern.

“There have been several reports of him having been seen in Eaglescliffe dressed only in a nappy and we are keen to trace him and speak to him,” police said.


I also enjoyed this story:

Man fires shotgun near Bush ranch, protesters
‘This is Texas,’ neighbor says when queried by a reporter

CRAWFORD, Texas – A man fired a shotgun into the air as about 60 anti-war protesters held a religious service on the road to President Bush’s ranch.

Sheriff’s deputies and Secret Service agents in the area of the demonstration site Sunday rushed to the home of Larry Mattlage after the shots were fired but did not arrest him.

“I ain’t threatening nobody, and I ain’t pointing a gun at nobody,” Mattlage said. “This is Texas.”

Mattlage said he was sympathetic toward the demonstrators at first, but they have blocked roads in the area and caused traffic problems.

He said he fired his gun in preparation for dove-hunting season but when asked if he had another motive, he said, “Figure it out for yourself.”

I would really like to visit Texas some day. That’s all for now.