Space Pillow 2028

July 31, 2005

My parents bought pillows the other day valued at $40 EACH. Take a second to think about that. My parents are not really that wealthy, also make note of that. I guess they just really like sleeping, something they seem to have passed on down to me. When that morning, nay, afternoon light hits my eyes, I cringe, because it’s another day in this bag of skin that is me. Then I sigh. Then I masturbate. Wait, back to the pillows.

When my mom approached me with one of said pillows earlier today I was sure she was going to try and suffocate me with it while screaming “Mother knows best!”, so I half turned my body in preparation to flee. Death will come quickly to a bottom feeder such as myself. Instead of ending my life, however, she displayed the heavy piece of sleeping equipment and told me of its worth. No doubt a look of disgust crept over my face. Are you kidding me, 40 bucks? Still, I almost understood. All of the bad thoughts go away when I lie in bed at night, the place I feel warm and secure… and so it made sense. It was an investment.

“It adjusts to your body temperature…And form fits. We got it at half price. They’re supposed to be remarkable pillows.”

I was waiting for her to mention something about the pillow being made out of NASA material, but she didn’t pitch that one at me. Oh, we all know the old NASA line. Why, if it’s good enough for NASA, it’s good enough for you, right? Wrong! NASA is still struggling with foam, of all things, on their spacecraft. This is space, people. And they’ve got foam falling off of their crafts. It ought to be electroplasm discharge that they’re having trouble with. Is it superflexible, non-flammable space foam? Is it futuristic form fitting, body temperature adapting foam? I don’t think so!

Either way, the thing didn’t work, she had a horrible night’s sleep, so on and so forth, but she still wanted to get the 40 bucks out of it, and so I was the guinea pig. The profit bells started to go off in my head, along with the paranoia bells and that Fred guy who chimes in once and a while to tell me that I’d make for an “ugly broad.” But, being the brave man that I am, I took the assignment and I will press on.

I am now the proud owner of a space pillow, and I’m going to use the hell out of this thing tonight when I sleep. I’m going to use all forty bucks on my precious, gigantic head. Then… I’m going to wake up and tell you shits if it sucks or not.

Well, shits, the pillow was alright. I stayed up until about 3AM and couldn’t get to sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about the pillow I was supposed to be evaluating. When I did manage to get to sleep, I began drooling like a madman. Drooling is something I only do when I’m either incredibly comfortable, or incredibly drunk (same thing, really), and so that was my first clue. I think the other thing that makes this Space Pillow worthwhile is that it is so god damn heavy. It’s hard to move while you’re tossing and turning, so it just kind of stays put and I suppose that’s how it form fits. Plus it doesn’t end up at my feet or on the floor at some point in the night, meaning I actually have a pillow to rest my head on. I don’t know what I do in my sleep, but I often times wake up with an arm completely numb, the sheets kicked off of me, and the pillow on the floor, along with the words “THEY LIVE” scrawled on my bedroom walls in blood. That did not happen tonight, and so the Super Space Pillow with memory foam gets an A+ from me. For now.


One Response to “Space Pillow 2028”

  1. DBW Says:

    There is no way buying a $80 pillow – even a $40 pillow – was your Dads idea. I dont care how good the damn thing is, he doesnt seem like the person that would throw money away. And yes, that much for a pillow is a waste. So it had to be your Moms idea, right? Shes a girl, it was on sale, so she HAD to buy it. Its in her genes. Makes sense.
    I currently sleep on a Tommy Hilfiger pillow. Not a fan of his, but I was in need of a new one and it was… on sale… so I bought it. That was almost a year ago and Ill be damned if the thing aint still worth the money I spent on it. Its very comfortable, hasnt lost much of its shape, still firm but not too firm, soft but not too soft, and the foam has yet to fall off.
    So I anxiously await your pillow review, and hopefully your nights sleep will be as good as mine.

    — DBW —

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