Well, that was boring

July 11, 2005

“You’re coming with us,” shouts my father, his finger pointed in my face.
“No, I’ll be ok here. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. ‘Stay away from windows,’ all of that stuff.”
“We don’t have time for this! Pack your things, your mother and I are going. Do you think this is a game? It’s a category 4.”
He seems very serious about the whole category business.
“No, it’s not a game. I just, I’m not…you know.”
“You’re not what, Ryan?”
I can’t believe he’s using my middle name. This hasn’t happened since I was 15.
“I’m not that concerned, really.”
“Then you’re a stupidass motherfucker! I’m not putting up with your shit. When I get back you’re out of this house. Find a place to go. You’re gone.”
“Jesus… Well, ok. That might take me a little while though.”
I ponder joining the Marines. Nah, that’s no good. It’s 7am and I’ve had 5 hours of sleep. I turn around to watch the woman on the TV continue her broadcast.
“Hurricane Dennis is gaining strength and is now headed north at 16 miles an hour. Gulf Power is now estimating up to 3 weeks of power outages.”
“Hey, dad. Hold on a sec. I think I’ll come.”

And so I didn’t sit through Dennis with my Millers, I got to sit through 7 mind numbing hours of boredom with my mother verbalizing her worries about their new fence and the cat wailing continuously, all the way up to Tennessee. I wasn’t willing to go through 3 weeks of possible power outage because of our half assed power company, so I figured I’d tag along.


My father got a speeding ticket on the way up, which had me laughing my ass off. As he descended a peak in the road, he saw a state trooper and tried to slow down. All in vain. He was caught and he knew it. The shark’s lights started shining and he pounced on us like he had just met his quota. My father sort of slumped in his seat, dejected. Great stuff. In Tennessee, 18 miles over the speed limit translates to $211, if you’re curious. It must be why the roads there are so nice. I did get to hang out with my sister and brother in law while I was up there, so I’m happy about that. But everything still seems a little ridiculous to me. I can’t stand the panic these hurricanes generate. On the way back, the roads were filled with Alabamans and Floridians headed home, causing massive traffic jams.

If you’ve got beach front property, or if you’re even a couple miles from the beach, I can understand it. But for those of us 35-50+ miles away from landfall: are you going to spend the rest of your lives running every time a severe storm heads your way? Just because there’s something big and colorful on the radar screen doesn’t mean it’s going to destroy your house and eat your children. Get a fucking grip. When you evacuate somewhere else and the storm heads north after you, spawning tornados, are you going to flee further north or grow some balls and head back to your homes? Tough one, ain’t it?

The power here didn’t go out. There’s no visible damage that I’ve seen in Crestview, so I don’t get to take any pictures. Oh, wait. There was that motel. The same motel which I took a picture of after Ivan ravaged the city seems to have had its roof torn off again, and 100 people were evacuated. CNN actually covered it and took some footage, which only goes to show that they were grasping for anything they could get their hands on. The roof is practically tin. That’s what it does. It collapses. It’s Super fucking 8 motel. Apparently there weren’t enough broken tree limbs to go around for CNN and MSNBC. Anyway, I’m willing to bet that will be the first and the last time Crestview gets its name spoken on a national broadcast of any kind – and that’s the way it should be. Ah, and here’s something funny that I can’t wait to investigate: it took the sorry bastards of this town 10 months to put up a new McDonald’s sign after Ivan passed, and then Dennis came to screw with them again. I’ll report back if I find anything half interesting.


4 Responses to “Well, that was boring”

  1. DBW Says:

    You could always come out and live in San Diego, we dont get many hurricanes here.
    But we do have earthquakes. And huge fires. And mudslides. And sinkholes. And were “this close” to falling into the Pacific. And they recently found a half dozen terrorists trying to sneak through the border. But you do get the excitement of police chases interrupting your programs on a regular basis – so it all evens out.

  2. Drew Says:

    That is tempting, actually. I like San Diego, just not the whole “$700/month for a crappy apartment” thing it has going on

  3. DBW Says:

    Oh yeah, how in the Hell can I forget that?! And gas too. Cant forget the gas.

  4. Ted Says:

    You can always join me this summer in Seoul, which is less than an hours drive away from North Korea. They claimed that they could turn the entire city into a “sea of fire” in 20 minutes time.

    Oh, and I’d hang back on that Marines idea for now, although roadside bombs and morter fire does sound really cool.

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