Battlefield 2 demo funkin’ blow!

June 20, 2005

Like any good wargamer, I downloaded the Battlefield 2 demo today. From what I could see in the slide-show my computer was giving me, it had a real “war” feeling to it. That is, it was impressive to watch, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to try and take on an Abrams. Especially with my computer choking the way it was.

My first experience was defending against U.S. Marines at our (Arab?) base. I hid in a bunker because my computer was chopping up so badly that I was warping around and running into walls head first. Allah would not be pleased! In between the lag spurts I noticed an M1A1 tank rolling down the road in my direction and I did what any good Jihadist would do – I fired my RPK machine gun at it. I did it more or less so I could feel like I was doing something more productive than cursing at my computer and shitting myself in a bunker, but we all know it takes a lot more than a machine gun to blow up a tank. I tossed some of my grenades through the slit in the sandbags out of desperation and ducked down as I saw the tank’s turret swing at me. I stumbled into a soldier behind me and jumped out of the bunker, shortly before a tank shell rocketed into the bunker and exploded. We lived, but a U.S. Marine then came running at my fellow Jihadists and jumped over them like steroid-addled Jean Claude Van Damme, killing two of them before landing. Then the game crashed.

I had killed the marine, but trying to fire at him as he jumped around sporadically and flopped on his belly like a fish was difficult. Why does EA do everything they can to make a game look and feel realistic and then make the combat a cartoon? Marines should not be jumping around like John Fucking Woo – sailing through the air and over their enemies, landing sprawled on their bellies, blasting away with their M16’s. It’s stupid.

Oh, and that’s when I could finally play the game. I spent about 10 minutes trying to get my controls straightened out, which are just as clunky as the original Battlefield, if not worse. For instance, there’s a button to “pick up pack.” What is that crap? In games like America’s Army, you have one button to open doors, take objectives and pick up all sorts of objects, which is great. Keep it simple, stupid – like they say. The crew over at EA apparently didn’t get that memo.

And apparently I’m going to have to spend more money just to play this thing. I would like to at least try to enjoy killing some acrobatic marines & jihadists.

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