This penis party’s got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho.

May 25, 2005

As I have probably mentioned before, I love Google. Google’s more or less the library of the internet, but it also manages to serve as the whacky librarian, throwing pornographic books and strange articles at you from across the room. Today, it threw THE MASTURBATOR at me. And what a gift that has turned out to be.

To explain myself: I went to Google, my start page, to search for “masturbator.” The reason being that I was going to use the word in an IM conversation but forgot how to spell it. The brain cells containing that information were apparently banned from my cerebral kingdom long ago by the alcohol which is continually invading and attacking my system. So, as usual, when I couldn’t remember how to spell a simple word I just opened up my browser and pasted the word into the search box, because it’s fast and will often tell you if the word is fucked up. I did this and my spelling was correct. Then I scrolled down, out of curiosity, to see if all it had returned were smut websites. Several rows down I found the following link [THE MASTURBATOR].

If you bother to skim the article, it is basically a training manual for phone counselors. The doctor writing the article has apparently had plenty of experience talking to people and trying to help them with their problems, but has also encountered the dark side of phone counselling. He goes on to explain that he often receives phone calls from “the masturbators,” people who get off while listening to a stranger’s voice. The average scenario is an apparently caring person answering the phone, hoping to help some lost soul with a drug or pregnancy problem, only to be forced to listen to some man breathlessly pull at his dong for a good fifteen minutes. What I really like is the description of a masturbatory caller.

Characteristics of masturbatory phone callers often include:

1. Voice seems devoid of feelings
2. Hesitation in speaking
3. Unusual phrasing of sentences or “catches” in the caller’s breathing
4. Presents self with boyish innocence about sexual matters
5. Gives a first name immediately and requests name of the liner (the usual non-sex caller is so anxious and/or depressed that, if there is an exchange of names, it comes later in the call
6. Will not speak with a man, although may express difficulty in talking with a woman
7. Briefly states his “problem” and waits for counselor to respond (generally there is very little to respond to)
8. Asks personal questions about the liner such as age, marital status, color of hair/eyes, d. what is the liner wearing
9. Asks the liner’s opinion about his “sexual problem” with insistence
10. Resistance toward any resolution of the “problem” — s/he just wants to keep on repeating it
11. A great deal of silence by the caller
12. Common story themes in presenting problem such as: sex with female members of the family, sometimes siblings, most often with adult members of immediate or extended family, lending his wife/girlfriend to another man, enjoying sex with young boys/young girls, insistently asking for sex information (often graphic) but refuses referral to organizations established for those purposes
13. Some common opening lines: “I want to talk”, “Can I talk about anything here?”, “I have an embarrassing problem…”, “Are you understanding?”

Please disregard all of the above the next time I call you. While my voice may be devoid of all feeling and I am often breathless…, ok, ok, so I’m a masturbator. But I’m a human too!

In summary: thank you Google and thank you Doctor Barry Greenwald for some insight into the daily struggles of the common phone counselor. You’d better look out masturbators — we’re hot on your trail of semen and we will not rest until we rid every last one of you from our phone lines. Stop harrassing our innocent phone counselors!

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