Dishroom Dialogue

January 28, 2005

Jerry is not intimidating in the slightest, despite what he’d like you to think. He actually comes off as a completely normal person at first. Then he opens his mouth and you are treated to some of the most amazing bullshit, ever.

Jerry washes some pots and pans occasionally and then wanders around the kitchen talking to whoever will listen. Jerry claims that Roy Jones Jr. used to come to Laurel Hill, Florida every year for a $1,000 competition to see who could knock him out, and he claims that he could beat Roy Jones Jr. if he would come again, because he knows how to put his weight behind his punches.

Jerry talks really loud and in such a tone that you can tell he wants you to inquire further with “Oh my god, no fuckin’ way, man! Are you SERIOUS?!,” but no one ever does, because if you do, he won’t stop.

Today, he decided to target a fellow dishwasher named Phillip. Phillip either doesn’t catch his bullshit or is simply indifferent. Phillip is a white hippy-looking kid who likes to rap to himself while sorting silverwear. He uses the word “dog” a lot. “Hey, dog, hand me that spatula.”

“Yeah, but why do you like violence?” Phillip asked after a lengthy rant by Jerry on incapacitating someone in one move.
“I don’t like violence. But if I have to use violence, then I will. It’s called the small dog technique. I don’t wanna fight, but if you back me into a corner, I’m going to hurt you. One punch and I can have anyone on their knees. Cause I know how to use my weight. I don’t hit in the head either, I hit in the stomach so there’s internal bleeding, but no visible damage.” [Jerry has previously mentioned that he was involved in some sort of child abuse case]
“See, but that’s not right, dog. Why would you want to do that?”
“I don’t want to do that, but if someone backs me into a corner, I will.”
“Isn’t walking away better than trying to hurt someone though?”
“I wouldn’t try to hurt someone, I would kick their ass! I used to fight with my cousins when I was young. I’ve been in one hundred and fifteen fights, never lost one.”
“What about the biggest guy in the dishroom? What about Bill?”
“I could beat Bill, he just won’t fight me.”
“He said you’re out of his weight class.”
“Not any more! I’m getting a weight set, and once I get this fat off of me, I’ll be in his weight class.”
[Jerry has previously talked about how he could beat up Mohammad Ali’s daughter because she hasn’t fought anyone taller than 5’11]
“Yeah, but–,” Phillip managed to sneak in.
“One punch,” Jerry interrupted. My step-dad was in the Special Forces. He taught me a lot of tricks. There are 154 pressure points on the human body. I could grab a hold of your pinky and make you do anything I want you to.”
“Not if I could withstand the pain!” Phillip argued.
“But you couldn’t. Do you know what I had to do to be able to handle that? I had to put my pinky in a vicegrip. It hurt at first, but now I could do it for days!”

I pictured Jerry in a garage somewhere, standing with his pinky in a vicegrip for several hours. It’s quite possible this actually happened, and it makes me sad.

That particular conversation went on for some time today. When I first got the job I was extremely frightened because it seemed like the ex-crack/methamphetamine addict and I were the only ones based in reality. I guess I’m just used to it now. At least I know Phillip is rapping and not talking to himself, like I once thought he was. He has apparently created a cd, too. I’m going to see if he’ll let me borrow it some day and publish some of his mp3s. That would be awesome.

One Response to “Dishroom Dialogue”

  1. mitchell Says:

    cool story, hansel

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