How to go insane

December 21, 2004

The world is a crazy, dark, mysterious place…and yet, still incredibly uninteresting. There are those moments of intrigue, however. Yes, they’re definitely there…

I turned on the news to see what the talking heads had to say, and it was the usual. The headlines read something like: Woman strangled, baby cut from womb. More killed in Iraq, chaos erupting. Tom Cruise donates $5,000 to charity at Dairy Queen.

Tom Cruise donates $5,000 to charity at Dairy Queen.

Tom Cruise donates $5,000 to charity at Dairy Queen.

The Tom Cruise story would air through out the day. Because everyone needs to know that Tom Cruise is a nice guy. In fact, they sandwiched the Tom Cruise story in between the baby-cut-from-womb story and the casualties-in-Iraq story, three things which all American should be concerned with.

I turned the tv off and imagined Tom Cruise pulling through Dairy Queen for a sundae. Reaching into his glove box, past the L. Ron Hubbard pamphlets, he would grasp a brick of 5,000 dollars to toss to the lowely drive-thru attendant. “For the children,” he’d shout, speeding away in his Ferarri. The 35 year old mother of 5 at that Lexington, Virginia Dairy Queen would have just had her mind blown. Wide open, baby. Returning to her trailer park later that night, bottle of bourbon in hand, she would call CNN. And CNN would know what to do. They always do.

Is my brain dying? Am I not receiving enough oxygen? I went to the computer hoping to regain my sanity and to read the news for myself, but of course, the computer has the internet, and the internet knows nothing about sanity. The internet introduced me to Jingle Cats.

That’s what this is about. Jingle Cats. Here. Jingle Cats and Dogs. Look, go ahead. Don’t be bashful. I promise it’s safe. Have a listen. Think about it for a while. Think about it until the blood pours from your nose. Listen closely, and to several songs. They’re cats and they’re meowing to Christmas music. Bad Christmas music. Strange elevator-music beats and wandering electronic bass lines. Listen. Don’t forget to breathe. Keep listening. Meow meow meow! Meow meow meow! Meow meow meow, meow meow! Bark bark bark! Bark bark bark! Bark bark bark, bark bark!

It’s genius. That’s what I told myself. It’s truly genius.
And I am a broken man.

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