After having my way with a few Coronas last night, I got bored and decided I’d try this video game I’d been hearing a lot about on the news. I heard it was pissing people off, actually. That’s the only reason I bothered with it. When something angers the masses, odds are it’s a good product.

The game is JFK: Reloaded, which is supposed to let you to recreate John F. Kennedy’s assassination. You star as Lee Harvey Oswald. Sounds kind of sick, right? It is. But it’s interesting and it has historical relevance, so I guess it has some redeeming values. I bought the game for the hell of it (10 bucks) and loaded it up to give it my best shot.

For starters, I have to say that the game helps with understanding some of what happened on November 22, 1963. JFK’s car rolled slowly down the street, straight at the depository. Behind him followed his secret service agents in their cars. Oswald stood at a window on the 6th story of the depository and looked out onto the nearby streets and buildings. (I had no idea, for instance, that the president’s limo came straight at Oswald like it did. It made me wonder why Oswald didn’t take his shot right then and there. Just another of many unanswered questions…)

I’m not Oswald. Me, I waited for the cars to round the corner and make it half way down the street before I fired. It was a low shot, glancing off of the back of the car and hitting Kennedy in the head. Lucky. I didn’t feel lucky. I didn’t know what to think. God damn. Skull fragments? Brain matter?

The really interesting part of the game is after you take your shots. Your sniping is analyzed and you are shown a replay. By default, the replay is from the viewpoint of Abraham Zapruder, which means if your shots are accurate and you hit JFK correctly, the replay is going to look exactly like the footage from the Zapruder Film (here would be My version). Following that replay, you’re shown the exact trajectory of the bullets – what they hit and where they lodged. Finally, you are rated and scored.

After screwing around, I decided I’d play the game like it should be played. I went on google, looked up the Zapruder film, saw which bullets went where, saw some pictures I didn’t really want to see, and then went back into the game. Didn’t help any. I’m no marine, and I’m no Oswald. My first shot, like Oswald’s, went through some branches and missed its target. My second shot wasn’t so historical. It hit both Kennedy and Connelly in their hearts, killing them instantly. I took one last pot shot as the car sped off towards the overpass. The bullet hit an agent in the car following JFK. It bounced off of his skull, curved, and hit the driver of JFK’s limo, which caused the car to careen into a wall. The first lady flew through the air.

Yeah. I’m not a good assassin. I guess you have to be a crazed ex-marine communist revolutionary from Texas to pull that type of shit off.

The game is useful for anybody who wants to see what really happened from Oswald’s view, and hey, after you try it a few times and get over feeling like a rotten bag of shit for shooting JFK, it is kind of fun to see how you match up to good ol’ Lee Harvey. The gore, well, that’s another story. It’s fucked up. Tasteless? Maybe. That doesn’t mean I think it should be left out of the game. They’re trying to recreate something, so, let them recreate it. Video games are video games, far from reality, no matter how much work the developers put into making them seem real. Who really cares?
(That said, I cringed every time I pulled the trigger…)

As for recreating the actual event, the company that made this game is offering $100,000 to the person who is closest to doing what Lee Harvey Oswald did down to the second – positioning of the bullets and all. I bet Ted Kennedy is thrilled over that one. I can’t say I really have a problem with it, because I’m not a Kennedy. The developers claim they’re trying to disprove the myths and conspiracy theories surrounding JFK’s death by giving the average joe a chance to witness it first hand. OK. What’s wrong with that? After all, it happened. It’s an important part of American history. His head got blown off. It was sad. What can you do?

Make a video game, that’s what.


November 22, 2004

I don’t watch basketball. I don’t like basketball. I believe it’s played by a bunch of shitheads with bad attitudes who make way too much money.

I guess you could say I don’t find the players very impressive. Like someone once said, it would be a feat if the guys were 4 foot 9, but they’re 7 feet tall. So, when they jump a few extra feet into the air and slam the ball through the net, I’m not going to drop my jaw in awe.

Either way, there was a riot at a game. Pistons vs. Pacers…Pioneers..Pirates? — I don’t really care. I saw a few of the clips and I just shook my head. Ron Artest, some flamboyant jerk-off, fouled someone and then decided to “lay down on the scorer’s table for no reason.” As someone pointed out to me, this is the same guy who wanted to take time off from basketball to promote his rap cd. After lying down on said table and looking like an idiot, he was beamed in the head with a cup thrown from the stands…like he should have been. He didn’t like that, though, and so he went insane and ran into the stands, punching the first person he saw that dared react to him. I doubt he even knew who threw the cup. After that, a few of his pals decided to jump into the stands and beat random people as well. You can watch it [here (under NBA)]

I only wish that the players were banned from the NBA, and that the fans actually got some nice punches in. You dicks make millions upon millions of dollars every year playing BASKETBALL. Wild guess, but you probably weren’t too wealthy growing up. You overcame that and now you’re rich – you play a GAME for a living – and you ruin it by doing stupid shit like this.

If I were in charge, I’d throw you out and I wouldn’t look back.

It’s just too bad that not everyone gets a second chance like these thugish assholes in the NBA. If you don’t realize what you have and you fuck it up, it’s tough luck for you. Simple as that. Why should it be any different for these guys? What makes them special? I saw an interview on tv following one of the clips and one of the players said something about the fans making “insensitive remarks.” Give me a break. I’d think with your lifestyle, you could afford a few cruel remarks thrown your way. Even a few cups.

That is why basketball sucks. Case in point would be the USA men’s basketball performance at the Olympics… a bunch of tall black guys who grew up doing nothing but playing basketball losing to a bunch of short Europeans. Good one, guys.

Here’s to you, Louis

November 14, 2004

This day in history, thanks to

1732 – 1st US professional librarian, Louis Timothee, hired in Philadelphia

1851 – “Moby Dick,” by Herman Melville, published

1991 – Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” video premieres on FOX TV

Those are three very good reasons to drink. Ok, Two very good reasons. Either way… you’d be a fool not to drink. More cheers, more beers. That’s it, that’s all.

Actually, with or without Louis I’d be having a beer. I’d be having a beer because every time I close my eyes I see yoke on a white platter and I smell syrup and grits and cinnamon-apple-garbage. Whatever. I don’t work for 3 days, and for that, I am happy. Funny, cause a few months ago I wouldn’t have given a shit what day it was. I would have hated it all the same.

Nothing really

November 11, 2004

Went to see “Ray” yesterday. I got to the theater early, even before the previews, so I was treated to the wonderful Movie Theater Music and trivia, as usual. I suppose it’s there so that the impatient movie-goers have something to keep them busy while they inhale their popcorn and talk in low whispers. The music in the background usually consists of random country songs or generic modern-rock crap, something like “Nickelback meets Creed.” There’s a lot of horrible moaning and incredibly distorted (but consumer friendly) guitars, mixed with angsty lyrics. The music is played on a continuous loop and the artist names are announced before each song. While the crappy music is being played, trivia flashes across the screen posing vague questions like: “Who said the line ‘Where are my keys?'” (Answer: Bob in the movie Bob 2) and everyone stops eating their popcorn for a second to think about how they could have possibly missed that one, because they saw Bob 2 twice and it was really good.

Well, today I was treated to something special. Today, I was introduced to MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER. I assumed, given the name, that I was about to be ear raped by some sort of death-metal band. I began to wonder how they managed to sneak onto the acclaimed Movie Theater Circuit when suddenly I heard beeping and buzzing – a beeping and buzzing sound which could only be attributed to a European taking a keyboard way too seriously. And it was all in the tune of Christmas. It would have been a let down if the music wasn’t extremely awful. I have never heard anything quite like it, actually. The first thought that came to my mind was that it sounded like Autobahn, the band from Big Lebowski, if they played Christmas Music. … That’s it. I have no profound observation or anything more to say than that there is a band called MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER and it is actually one man playing crappy euro-pop Christmas music, and I find that to be hilarious. I’m probably the only one, too. In fact, I think I was the only one laughing at the theater. It’s my webpage though, so tough

You may sample MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER [here]

Goodbye, Asshole

November 9, 2004

One down, many to go: [Ashcroft Resigns]

America’s dead end

November 2, 2004

Big surprise, everybody, America fucked it up again.

Don’t know who made this, but I like it

It was hard to act surprised when I woke up this morning and watched the news. Would you expect less from this country? I’m appalled, yes, but not surprised. Why would the average American care about Iraq or the defecit or the patriot act or the environment…or…well, what’s the use?

I do look forward to 2008 when the voter turn out will be less than it has been in many previous elections. Those who realized we need change have probably given up after this bullshit, and for good reason. I don’t know if I’ll be bothering next election, myself.

The real problem we have in this country is religion. There are just too many zealots out there. For instance:

In Ohio, Kerry won among young adults, but lost in every other age group. One-fourth of Ohio voters identified themselves as born-again Christians and they backed Bush by a 3-to-1 margin.

And that was the same in Florida, for the most part. Young voters wanted Kerry. Insane Christians and old people wanted Bush. So what’s this teach you kids? Don’t bother next time, because it’s not up to you anyway.

Anyhow, it’s nice to see we still have our priorities straight.
Praise jesus! Burn the fags! Kill the arabs! Texas Texas Texas!

I sincerely doubt my vote is going to have any effect, because the county that I live in is full of old white rednecks and military people and that’s the crowd that enjoys having old white redneck republicans as presidents. Still, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t vote against Bush. And I mean exactly what I say there – I voted against Bush, not for Kerry. It’s hard explaining to people that you don’t necessarily like Kerry, it’s just that you hate Dubya. I honestly think there should be some form of punishment for what he’s done to this country at the least, and yet we’re thinking about voting him in again.

Sadly, I think he’s going to win. To see that he is still leading by a percent in the estimates is frightening to me. If more than half of the country is still willing to believe in him after all that’s happened in the last 4 years, then hope may very well be lost anyway. We’ll see tomorrow.