Sink, Florida, Sink

September 13, 2004

Pack up your autographed picture of Bob Barker and collect your knitting needles, it’s time to evacuate! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s hurricane season.

There is actually a bright side to living in an area where hurricanes are a common thing…. you get to watch the pre-hurricane panic ensue, and boy is it funny. The sound of frantic hammering reverberates throughout the neighborhood and the sweet smell of saw dust fills the air. Suddenly, there’s a certain electricity to everything.

Take my neighbors for example:

boardedup.jpg

Yep, the mention of a hurricane excites people …in a weird way. They’re like children sitting around a campfire, telling ghost stories.
“If a category 5 hits THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT!”
“The power will be off for three whole weeks!”
“THERE’S NO MORE PLYWOOD AT HOME DEPOT!”
“OUR ONLY HOPE IS CANNIBALISM!”

I guess their lives are really that boring. When Frances hit and it wasn’t even anywhere near the NW gulfcoast, people around here were still boarding up their windows. It’s sort of ridiculous.

Walmart is a prime example of this panic. They’re running around inside like chickens with their heads cut off trying to snatch up all the water and food they can. So what’s going to happen when the category 5 “destroys everything”? You’re going to sit in the rubble and sip on your Aquafina? Douchebags?

I’m a little worried, cause 80+ mph winds are going to do some damage either way – but how much can you possibly worry about something you have no control over? You deal with it as it comes. What are you going to do? At least if it does hit hard here I don’t have much to lose. Minimalism, ladies and gentlemen. Embrace it. I do sort of hope my house will stay entact, however. While I don’t especially love the house, it is sort of handy to have around. It makes things like showering and sleeping that much easier.

As for Crestview, well, who cares? It’s one of those places you stop to take a piss when you’re driving down the highway to somewhere of more importance. A little jostling up might do it some good.

Anyhow – good luck, fellow Floridians and yonder Alabamans! And let this be a warning from nature, Florida: don’t fuck up the election again, or you will pay.

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One Response to “Sink, Florida, Sink”

  1. Josh Says:

    You know, Germans are bad at grasping just how big our country is. Europeans in general, I guess.
    This one German professor at my school asked us if the hurricane was likely to make it all the way to goddamn Kentucky. We kind of paused, not thinking he was serious, but he proceeded to tell us how he had been glued to the television all morning. Since it was already raining lightly outside, he thought we were in for the worst. I was floored. I mean, he’s a goddamn genius, but apparently he has no concept of hurricanes.
    …Which reminds me of the kid from Bangladesh that planned on driving to California in one afternoon so that he could spend the weekend.
    …And the Irish kid who had to hitchhike back from Alabama after running out of gas and money after Mardi Gras. That took him a week. Ha.


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