July 24, 2004

I’m watching the Tour De France on OLN and a commercial comes on for some medication called Levitra. The commercial features a woman lying around trying to hint that her husband can now get it up and slip her the meat without being too graphic. She doesn’t do a very good job. Anyway, after the slut gets done talking, there are, of course, the warnings. Don’t take it if you’re taking blood pressure medication, if you’re too old to have sex, etc


And then:
Contact your doctor or seek emergency medical attention for any erection that lasts longer than 4 hours. A sustained erection can damage the penis.

I’m trying to imagine this hypothetical situation. I am a man who desperately wants to make love to my (slutty) wife. I cannot, because I cannot get an erection. Life is cruel. I’m becoming frustrated and depressed and I often cry myself to sleep. But wait, what’s this? Levitra! I take the medicine and my penis is now hard. I last 30 seconds in bed because I haven’t had sex in a year, and now I want to fall asleep next to my cold tramp of a wife. I can’t fall asleep because I have a boner. Rather than dwell on the irony of the situation I roll over and wait. I wait 10 minutes, then 20, then 30. An hour. I stick it in an ice box, I take a cold shower, I think of John Madden nude, nothing works. It won’t go away. Now I read the fine print and discover that I could have permanent damage done to my penis if the erection doesn’t go away. I have to go to the doctor. What does one wear to the emergency room when they have an erection they can’t get rid of? You can’t wear jeans. Shorts are out. Maybe jogging pants? A Hari Krishna tunic? And does the woman at the desk call security when she sees you approaching with a tent pitched in your pants?

All of this considered, I will be taking my vitamins tomorrow. That is all. Go, LANCE, GO!

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