My other life

July 23, 2004

Today has been a productive day. I woke up, sat around, looked at some webpages and found a link to Real Lives, which I’ve been playing since. It says its an “educational real life simulator”. It basically shows you how good or bad your life could’ve been. Or could still be. Like the sims, I guess, but a lot cooler. Mainly because bad things happen to you. Take my life for example:

I am born a girl in the city of Kharagpur in the state of West Bengal in India. My parents have named me Amaraja. My surname is Kabir. My mother, Ritu, is 23 and my father, Balik, is 22. I have a sister, Parimal, who is 4. My mother has hookworm and my father is a painter. It’s a good thing my parents are fucking worthless, because I now have stunted growth from inadequate protein consumption. Ah, the life of an Indian.

At age 5 I am merely an expert in stunted growths. But my sister, the eternal suckup, has a job at age 9. I’m the only one in the family without a damn job. I however, am the only one who does not have hookworm! Suck on that Kabir family!

At age 8, I ask if I can get a job since my sister has one. I am told I can’t get one, but that instead I should go out and play while I can. So, this I do. I am then hit by a car and suffer a spinal cord injury resulting in paralysis. I will never take advice from my parents again.

I ask once again if I can get a job, because I’m now paralyzed and playing seems worthless. I am told no, I’m still too young, stubby, and paralyzed, so I should sit at home and enjoy my time. Ok, fine, I say, what else can happen? I’ll tell you what can happen – I can get epilepsy, which I now have.

At age 11 I finally get hired to do “temporary odd jobs.” What this means, I don’t know, but I suspect I’ll be a prostitute soon if I’m not one already. Speaking of which, I am now wondering when I’m going to have this “samskara” I’m being told I’ll have. Apparently it’s a ceremony to “purify” hindu girls after their first menstruation. Sounds like a blast, and I wonder if there will be punch and cookies or a clown. That would be great.

At this point in my life I’m hoping I’ll be killed by one of the many earthquakes India is currently enduring. My sister doesn’t have to worry about anything because her boyfriend Prem is going to school. I’m sure they’ll live a long, stunty life. I hate them.

Hurray! I’m 13 years old and I’ve met a boy I’m quite fond of named Bhanu. I ask him if he wants to go out with me, and am rejected. Probably because I have epilepsy, stunting, and I’m paralyzed. Or maybe he just didn’t like my dress. I then set my eyes on another boy, and am rejected again. I hope this doesn’t become a theme.

Meanwhile, my bitch of a sister isn’t going to be ok after all! Her boyfriend, Prem, has been diagnosed with tubercolisis. How’s it feel, fuckers, how’s it feel?!

I apply for a job cleaning shoes but apparently I’m not skilled enough for that. After being turned down I find that Prem has died at age 22! I have a secret cerimony involving punch and cookies to celebrate.

At 17 I decide to take up smoking. Why the hell not? Everybody’s doing it. Sides, I’m paralyzed. 4 rejections later I meet a runt of a boy named Jayashree Parthathy. He wants to go out with me. I must look hot when I smoke! I decide I’ll hold on to him since odds are if I don’t, I will be alone for the rest of my crappy life. I’m putting more emphasis into my physical appearance so he doesn’t ditch me.

At 20 I ask Jayashree, or Jay-Jay as I call him, if he wants to get married. He says it’s too early. Hmm. I decide this calls for action. I mean, if Jay-Jay dumps me I’ll probably never find another man! But what will make him marry me? Of course…that age old trick. I immediately get pregnant. Now he’ll have no choice.

It all goes to plan, and now Jay-Jay has proposed. He had better keep up the good shoe-making. I’m thinking of moving out with him soon.

At 21, I finally pop that baby boy out. We name him Gobind. Or at least, I name him Gobind. This kind of sucks, because as much as I wanted to be married I don’t think I want to have a child. Mainly because we can barely feed ourselves. I wonder what baby tastes like?

I decide to be independent since I’m going to be married with a child, and I move out to a one room house. I find out this costs me 19,000 ruppees each month, and then have to move to a “temporary shanty”. Thank god it doesn’t last long because we get married and Jay-Jay makes enough for us to move back into a one room house with meager food. Sadly, while living in my shanty I developed hookworm and have a loan I need to pay. Fate is a cruel mistress.

I am now 25 years old.
Holy shit! Jayashree has schizophrenia! God damn!
Oh well, so long as he keeps working and doesn’t attack me with one of the few pointy objects we own, everything should be ok. As a matter of fact, he’s now working in a factory! Deluxe apartment in the sky, baby! Well, maybe not yet. But I’m still doing better than my sister, Parimal. That bitch.

My son is old enough to go to school and so I figure we should move. Bareilly, Uttar Pradesh will be our new place of residence. Why did I pick Bareilly? Cause we can BAREILLY make it in Kharagpur! Bahahaha! My husband and son didn’t find it that funny, but what the hell.

At 27 years old, in a new city, I still can’t find another damn job. I guess I’ll just remain content with my “temporary odd jobs”. I try to give up smoking, but it doesn’t work.

Oh fate, how you haunt me. At age 30, crossing the street with my stumpy, paralyzed legs, I get hit by another car and die. Coincidence? Hell no! My husband has schizophrenia, I’m a paralyzed, epileptic smoker, and we live in a shithole. Goodbye, cruel world! I sure hope in my next life I’m not Indian.

One Response to “My other life”

  1. I’m a douchebag solicitor, and I want a Sunlounger Cushion: Green for Christmas!

    But I’m not going to get one, because Drew edited my post and I’m a dildo! And I like gay sex too!

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