1. Ingest at least 8 cheap beers before insertion of Mario Bros / Duck Hunt cartridge into barely functional NES

2. Ensure Nintento ZAPPER GUN is plugged in. When it doesn’t work, figure out why without electrocuting oneself.

3. Pour cheap beer into stolen Super 8 Motel plastic up. Drink.

4. Let loose the dogs of war. START GAME.

5. Miss duck

6. Miss duck

7. Miss duck

8. Miss duck


March 26, 2004

That’s right, THE MAGIC CONE!

Let me elaborate. This is a small paper cone which allows women to pretend they’re men, by giving them the ability to pee while standing up. AFTER ALL, it’s common knowledge that women have wanted to do this for ages. Its as important to them as the right to vote. And just like they shouldn’t be able to vote, they shouldn’t be able to pee standing up. That is, without spraying urine everywhere in a very undignified manner. Regardless…enter THE MAGIC CONE!!!

Sadly, I foresee women soiling themselves in public bathrooms all across the country. And seeing as how my future jobs will probably be limited to the custodial field, I feel it is my duty to link to this Flash animation, which shows just how to use this wonderful new invention:

Not that it’s gonna help. Get a penis already

Kung Fu

March 23, 2004

Months go by fast. Especially when it’s the same shit every day, for a month, for a year. It adds up. So many years equal a certain age, equal a certain bank account balance, equals depression and pretty much more of the same. On that note, here’s some sunshine, a rainbow, and a bear holding flowers:

I am now going to talk about kill bill, cause I watched it yesterday. I inserted what might not have been a legit copy (oh noes, poor japanese stuntmen don’t get no cash!) and finally watched it. Most of it was pretty impressive. Not that I need to verify that, because all of Tarantino movies are considered “genius” for some stupid fucking reason… the art school nazis demand you pay respect to their fuhrer, etc. But if any movie of his was going to draw a large crowd im happy it was this one.

And that is because it is full of violence, and the violence makes you cringe. Like it should. Had we grown up with that kind of violence on tv, I think we would want to stay as far away from it as we could. The thousands of cheesy action movies that were released in the 80’s and 90’s would be a lot more interesting, too. We would have closed our eyes every time Van Damme or that fag with the pony tail smashed somebodys face or broke a bone, because it’s like watching it actually happen. Minus the exaggerated spraying of blood, anyway.

It’s still fun to watch because it’s an okay story and the fight scenes are incredibly awesome and complex, even with the horror-shock-reflex it induces. It’s also a good thing when a movie makes you think, damn – if I could get the motivation to do anything but wake up eat sleep piss shit jack off watch tv download the mp3s play the game do the work write the website read the books – that’s the kind of movie I would try to make. And that’s sort of the feeling I got while watching it.

The only thing I didn’t like was the ending. I know things are supposed to be exaggerated and I know the black & white bullshit is supposed to represent something deep and artistic that I’m sure I could never possibly understand, but the butcher of hundreds sort of blows the movie’s wad and ruins any following fight scene, does it not? I understand it’s supposed to be an anime-ish, video game-ish movie/storyline and anybody who grew up playing nintendo KNOWS you gotta kill the henchemen first, of course. But… jump to the cool snowy end battle and it would have been fine.

So take that Quentin Tarantino, you made a good film mediocre!!!

Anyway, the world is up to the same old shit. There’s lots of bad things and then a few good things.


  • Railroads in Spain bombed
  • People killed in Iraq
  • Russian nuclear powered ship Peter The Great set to blow at “any minute”Good:
  • MP3’s will now have surround soundSee how that works? It doesn’t matter if the entire nation of spain blows up, a nuclear ship contaminates our environment, or if people are killed in Iraq. Why? Because surround sound mp3s make everything better. That is the lesson for today. Good bye.