December 9, 2003

Apparently, America is now obsessed with rich, stupid people. There’s MTV’s Rich Girls, the new Trump show, The Apprentice and Simple Life. As far as I can tell, one show is about two rich girls who whine a lot and are incapable of doing very simple things. Another is about Trump being a bastard and firing people who work for him, set up as a game show. And then the other…about two girls who are incapable of doing very simple things, but this time, on a farm. Each of these people has earned the right to have a show on primetime television because they’re rich. There’s nothing very interesting about them at all. In fact, from what I’ve seen they’re just god damned annoying.

But they can buy all the attention they so crave, and plenty of Americans are willing to watch their shows because it’s there when they turn the TV on and because while the humor is shallow and disappointing, it is there. “Haha, these people are fucking stupid! And rich! How strange!” The novelty lasts a whole few seconds, but these millionaires are getting: A) more money, and B) plenty of attention and fame. They’re everywhere!

And don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t care about it if TV didn’t mean so much to our society…but it does, and so far nobody is repulsed by the fact that these assholes have bought themselves a timeslot to showcase their wonderful lives.

Anyway, let’s take Simple Life. What is the obession with Paris Hilton and this Nicole “musta-been-a-hole-in-the-condom” Ritchie girl? It’s not like they’ve contributed anything to the world. Have they? When your claim to fame is filming yourself sucking some guy’s cock and glaring at the camera like an attention whore, you should be considered a dirty, dirty slut. Not an American idol. I mean, I find it funny when movie stars get as much attention as they do…but these girls aren’t movie stars or musicians. Same goes for Trump, an ugly old dude with supermodel wives who seems to get everything in his life based on one fact: he has money. Yeah, having a lot of money has always meant power and a sort of fame, but why would you make an effort to give rich people more attention? It should be the opposite. Their shows should fail miserably. Fuck them, they’re happy

You’re not. At least not all the time, right? Tomorrow you’ll have to get up and go to work or school and you’ll come home tired and wish you had the next day off. You’ll continue this until you’re old enough to retire, to sit at home and burn your horde of hard earned cash on arthritis medication. So why bother? Does it give society some sort of joy? Day-dreaming about how cool being the yuppie daughter of a hotel owner would be? Or how interesting it would be living your life as the bastard child of an old pop star?

Either way, twenty-something million people watched the debut of Simple Life. Give or take 5 million 14 year olds who tuned in to masturbate to Paris Hilton in a night gown, and you have a lot of other people actually interested in watching her act like a jackass..why? Being rich and beautiful isn’t contagious. It’s not going to catch.

What’s the goal of the show anyway? Its not really about how dumb they are. it’s about how privledged they are. We’ve got lots of money and this show is dedicated to rubbing it in your face. We have everything: you have nothing. And living on a farm somewhere, milking motherfuckingcows or struggling at a fast food restaraunt is something we’ll never have to worry about. They know nothing about being a normal person who has to deal with everyday pain, they lucked out. And that alone is supposed to be entertaining.

Least there’s somebody out there giving them some shit. Enter our eternal savior, Norm Macdonald

At the tr�s swank soiree for The O.C., a seemingly endless stream of reporters, Industry types and mostly Fox costars took turns chatting up the Simple girls. During my interview, Norm Macdonald asked Paris how much money her family makes. After Paris played along for a bit, he turned to Nicole.

Norm: “Isn’t Lionel Richie a black guy?”
Paris: “She’s black!”
Nicole: “I am black!”
Norm: “You’re black?”

Noticeably annoyed, the girls returned to the interview and Paris answered what she missed most during the show. … But soon after, as Nicole went on and started lamenting the “dumb crappy bars” of Arkansas, Norm struck again.

Norm: “Did you get in any trouble because you’re black?”
Nicole: “No! You’re so rude.”
Norm: “I thought hillbillies didn’t care for black people.”
Nicole: “They love me.”
Paris: “They love her.”
Norm: “Because you’re not black!”
Nicole: “Yes, I am black.”

Yes. If the rich deserve any attention, its in some form of petty harrassment. Get to it. And please, don’t watch these stupid fucking shows.

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